Relationship Communication Skills: Put the Inside Outside
Put the Inside Outside is another communication skill that I teach clients in both individual and couples sessions.
When people talk to each other they often think thoughts or have feelings that they do not reveal to others. Most of the time this is perfectly OK. It certainly would not be appropriate to say everything one is thinking or feeling. Yet often, when more information is given there are fewer misunderstandings and a greater connection.
It can be as simple as letting others know you are feeling pressured for time. In a session with a client(s) if I’m running late, I often start to speak faster and may interrupt my clients, especially when working with couples. When I notice myself doing that I will say to clients, “The session is almost over and I’m feeling pressured for time to complete what we’re doing.” This helps them understand what is going on with me and lets them know that I’m not impatient with them. They experience how it feels to be informed and usually want to cooperate. I am also teaching them the skill of Put the Inside Outside by modeling it.
When working with couples I often find that partners do not let each other know what is going on inside of them, positive or negative. They do not give each other feedback. It leaves each partner guessing and hoping that the impact of what they said is what they meant.
Example: In a couples session.
Wife to husband, “I appreciate how you help with the kids when you get home.”
Husband, “Well I always do that.”
Dr. Bea, ” Your wife just told you something that she appreciated about you. What was that like?”
Husband, “What do you mean?”
Dr. Bea, “Well, did you like her telling you that?”
Husband, “Yeah, it felt good.”
Dr. Bea, “Let her know.”
Husband to wife, “It felt good to hear you appreciate what I do.”
Dr. Bea to wife, “What was it like to hear that from him.”
Wife, “It felt really good.”
We all laugh.
Often it is the simple things that people communicate to each other that can make a big difference in their communication and their connection with each other.
With care and concern,
Dr. Bea Mackay
Relationship Communication Skills: After the Fact
The After the Fact communication skill is one of the many communication skills that I teach my clients. It is a very useful skill that facilitates connection between partners.
Many clients tell me that during a discussion, argument, or fight they often cannot think of what to say in the moment but then later, they come up with what they could have or should have said. They find this very frustrating.
For some reason, spouses often think if they miss out on saying or doing something at the moment that nothing can be done. So they do nothing. Often they stew or ruminate about it but it does not occur to them that they could remedy the situation.
It is not always possible to think of what to say or do at the moment. Sometimes people are distracted by something or someone else. When people are anxious they often cannot think, so they say or do nothing. Or, they may blurt out something they don’t mean or something that is not even relevant. Sometimes people laugh in situations like this and the laughter is misunderstood.
In ongoing relationships, it is always possible to bring up an issue later. Later can be minutes, hours, days, or even years. This keeps the lines of communication open and strengthens the connection between couples.
Examples:
A while ago you said…to me. I was surprised and didn’t know what to say. Well, now that I’ve had a chance to think about it I…
You know yesterday when we were talking about…I kind of blurted out…I didn’t mean it. What I wished I’d said to you was…
I’ve been thinking about what we talked about last week, you know, about…I want to add…and let you know it’s important to me that…
It’s been a month since we had that fight about…It is still bothering me. Let’s talk about it again.
When we married (10 years ago) you said you never wanted to…I want to know if that is still true for you.
When people use the After the Fact communication skill frequently, the time between the incident and the delayed communication tends to shorten. Gradually, the time becomes so short that partners are better able to think of what they want to say or do what they want to do at the moment. It’s not essential to occur in the moment, After the Fact is just fine.
The After the Fact skill is extremely helpful to keep a couple emotionally connected with positive feedback and behaviors.
Examples:
I had a good time last night. (One partner to another about making love.)
You know, last week when we went to the concert I was so focused on getting there on time I didn’t tell you how great you looked.
The last time my parents were over you treated them well. I appreciate how welcome you made them feel.
While the After the Fact communication skill is really helpful for couples, it is also helpful in many other situations as well – parenting, work, and social interactions.
With care and concern,
Dr. Bea Mackay
How Early Experience Shapes One’s Relationship With One’s Self
Children need their parents’ love, attention, acceptance, and guidance as a plant needs water. If they do not get it growing up, as an adult they may spend their whole lives trying to get it from their parents. They may also try to get it from bosses, friends, teachers, coaches, and neighbours as well.
Children tend to treat themselves how they are treated by their parents. If both parents treat them well, children are likely to internalize this style and treat themselves well. This is also true if their parents treated them badly; they are likely to internalize that style and treat themselves badly. Children’s self-esteem is also affected by how their parents treat each other.
It’s not that simple though. Families are complicated. There are so many factors influencing children’s self-esteem as they grow: birth order, extended family, religious affiliations, talents, energy level, school, and others. Sometimes parents and grandparents (even other family members and teachers) prefer one gender to another. Perhaps one parent prefers boys and the other prefers girls. How people treat each gender impacts the children’s self-esteem positively or negatively. Witnessing one’s siblings being favored or unflavored also influences his or her self-esteem.
My father was the eldest of 10. I don’t know why, but he did not like boys. Growing up I was unaware of this, so I did not notice how he treated my brothers. Perhaps it was because my father had 7 brothers and 2 sisters. I was lucky. I was born a girl in this family. I felt adored by my father and I enjoyed his attention. I liked being a girl.
It is common knowledge that parents, who treat their children badly, harm their children’s self-esteem. It is also possible to harm a child’s self-esteem by excessive and undeserved praise.
Scenario:
From the time Cercy was born, she was praised excessively by both parents, but mostly her mother. Her self-esteem was extremely high. She thought she was marvellous in every way. When she went to school, she got a reality check. She was not nearly as competent and capable as she had been led to believe. It shook her confidence to the core. She began to doubt herself. She would dismiss praise or any positive feedback she received.
At the core of self-esteem is one’s relationship to one’s self. What a child experience in their family of origin, extended family, neighbourhood, school, and other childhood experiences, heavily influences how a child treats themselves.
This pattern, established in childhood, goes into the subconscious and operates out of awareness. When the relationship with self is positive, no problem is created so it may work well for a lifetime. If it’s not, it needs to be revised.
With care and concern,
Dr. Bea
Can I Please Have Another Helping of Self-Esteem? Understanding Self-Esteem and How It Develops
People tend to think of self-esteem almost as if it is a product you can buy. Perhaps it is because of all the advertising which shows people smiling and feeling good when they use the products. Or, they think of it as a condition, like needing more iron in their diet or getting more rest.
Self-esteem is the result or outcome of one’s relationship with one’s self. It is a by-product of how a person treats him or herself.
How do people develop a relationship with self?
Children are not born having a relationship with self. It starts with their relationship with others. Parents do things to them and with them. Babies and toddlers respond and react to how they are handled and cared for. Over time they develop a relationship with self from how they are treated by others. The quality of those interactions is a major factor in determining the quality of relationships a child develops with himself.
Children are not born loving themselves. They learn they are loveable (or not) by the experiences of being loved by those who look after them. At first, love comes externally. If they feel loveable, over time children internalize the love they experience and in this way, they learn to love themselves.
How do children determine whether they are loved and valued or not?
Scenario:
Billy knew he was loved. As a baby, his mother’s eyes lit up when she saw him. She talked to him a lot. She was always affectionate with him and took very good care of him.
His father smiled at him frequently. He spent time with him: playing roughhousing, sports, and games. He taught him many things about the world and the way it worked. If Billy had any questions or problems, he knew he could always go to either parent. They stood up for him whenever they thought he needed support and gave him constant guidance. His parents did not have much money, yet they created a safe fun environment.
Billy felt loved, valued, understood, protected, and accepted. He felt cherished, just because he existed. He felt he belonged in his family. He felt good about himself, and confident in himself and his abilities. To him, the world was an amazing place.
Scenario 2:
Sammy was not sure if he was loved or not. He had a sad mother. She took care of him, but she rarely smiled at him. She often did not look at him directly as she cared for him. She was impatient, yelling a lot. She was seldom affectionate, and she seemed to resent the time she spent with him. She read a lot. Sometimes she was okay, even telling him she loved him. But Sammy did not feel loved.
Dad was away half the time, and when he was home he was tired and distracted. He did not have time or energy for Sammy. When he heard his parents arguing, it was always about him. He felt like it was his fault, that he was bad, but he wasn’t sure how. The family had money, and it seemed to Sammy that money was what mattered, not him.
Sammy did not feel loved or valued. He felt he was a burden on his mother and father. He tried to be as good as he could to please his parents, but it rarely worked. He didn’t feel he belonged to this family, more like he was visiting and it would soon end. He did not feel good about himself. He was unsure of how to be and how to act. The world was a scary place that he had to figure out on his own.
Each child comes to conclusions about themselves from their experiences of interactions with parents and others in their childhood. These conclusions may be accurate or inaccurate. Children do not even realize they come to conclusions; they are just living their lives. Some adults report specific memories of decisions they deliberately made as young children. But most of the time, these conclusions are made without realizing it, get buried in the subconscious, and operate out of awareness.
When a child has felt loved, valued, and connected to the significant people in his life, he is more likely to love and value himself, that is, he is more likely to have high self-esteem. Conversely, when a child experiences a lack of love and belonging, he is less likely to love and value himself, that is, he is more likely to have low self-esteem.
With care and concern,
Dr. Bea
