Emotions
How Early Experience Shapes One’s Relationship With One’s Self
Children need their parents’ love, attention, acceptance, and guidance as a plant needs water. If they do not get it growing up, as an adult they may spend their whole lives trying to get it from their parents. They may also try to get it from bosses, friends, teachers, coaches, and neighbours as well.
Children tend to treat themselves how they are treated by their parents. If both parents treat them well, children are likely to internalize this style and treat themselves well. This is also true if their parents treated them badly; they are likely to internalize that style and treat themselves badly. Children’s self-esteem is also affected by how their parents treat each other.
It’s not that simple though. Families are complicated. There are so many factors influencing children’s self-esteem as they grow: birth order, extended family, religious affiliations, talents, energy level, school, and others. Sometimes parents and grandparents (even other family members and teachers) prefer one gender to another. Perhaps one parent prefers boys and the other prefers girls. How people treat each gender impacts the children’s self-esteem positively or negatively. Witnessing one’s siblings being favored or unflavored also influences his or her self-esteem.
My father was the eldest of 10. I don’t know why, but he did not like boys. Growing up I was unaware of this, so I did not notice how he treated my brothers. Perhaps it was because my father had 7 brothers and 2 sisters. I was lucky. I was born a girl in this family. I felt adored by my father and I enjoyed his attention. I liked being a girl.
It is common knowledge that parents, who treat their children badly, harm their children’s self-esteem. It is also possible to harm a child’s self-esteem by excessive and undeserved praise.
Scenario:
From the time Cercy was born, she was praised excessively by both parents, but mostly her mother. Her self-esteem was extremely high. She thought she was marvellous in every way. When she went to school, she got a reality check. She was not nearly as competent and capable as she had been led to believe. It shook her confidence to the core. She began to doubt herself. She would dismiss praise or any positive feedback she received.
At the core of self-esteem is one’s relationship to one’s self. What a child experience in their family of origin, extended family, neighbourhood, school, and other childhood experiences, heavily influences how a child treats themselves.
This pattern, established in childhood, goes into the subconscious and operates out of awareness. When the relationship with self is positive, no problem is created so it may work well for a lifetime. If it’s not, it needs to be revised.
With care and concern,
Dr. Bea
What Everyone Should Know about Anger—Part One
Anger is usually a secondary feeling.
Scenario: James watched as his son, a talented goalie, let in a goal that lost the game. Exasperated he let out a cry of disgust. As James and his son walked away from the hockey rink, James berated him for not trying hard enough. His discouraged son emphatically tried to convince him that he had tried as hard as he could—to no avail. Both felt bad.
Underlying the anger there is another feeling—a vulnerable feeling—that acts like an engine fueling the anger and driving the behavior. Any vulnerable feeling can fuel anger. Some people get angry when they feel hurt. Some people get angry when they feel threatened. Anyone can get angry when they feel out of control. Some people get angry when they feel pressured. Most people get irritable when they are hungry or tired. There are many vulnerable feelings: abandoned, put down, shamed, embarrassed, exposed, challenged, disappointed, hopeless, controlled, rejected, blocked, misunderstood, and more. In James’ case, underneath his anger was disappointed. When his son did well, he felt proud and important, almost as if he’d achieved it himself. He enjoyed the compliments from coaches and other parents. When his son did not do well, he felt like a failure. He hated feeling like a failure so he shifted into anger and got on his son’s case. Vulnerable feelings can range from slight to extreme. No one likes to feel vulnerable so most people behave in ways that attempt to avoid or deflect from the feeling. They may get busy talking about something else; they may focus on a task; they may worry about aches or pains they have or they may get angry. Why get angry? When people shift into anger they stop feeling the vulnerable feeling. It does not go away; it just goes into the background. Feeling angry is better than feeling humiliated, rejected, or some other vulnerable feeling. When people feel angry, they feel powerful, not vulnerable. With anger, it may be possible to change what is going on.
Anger has a purpose.
When people get angry it helps them make happen what they want to happen or to prevent or stop happening what they do not want to happen. James needed his son to do well so that he felt good about himself. He got angry at his son to pressure him into trying harder. Most children feel uncomfortable when their parents are angry so they try to do whatever it is that will stop the anger, whether it is good for them or not. They become more focused on what their parents are feeling than on the activity. That makes it harder for them to do well. What could James do to achieve his goals? First of all, James needs to be aware that he feels disappointed. He probably shifts into anger so quickly that he does not even realize it. Secondly, he needs to realize that his disappointment is about himself, not his son; he is trying to get his needs met vicariously through his son’s efforts and abilities.
Once he is aware, he can…
- Do things in his own life to achieve a sense of accomplishment and importance.
- Give his son positive feedback about what he is doing well so his son stays focused on the sport. Then his son is more likely to enjoy the activity and perform at his best. Result? Both feel good—his son feels good about himself, and James feels good about himself and his parenting. When parents figure out the engine (vulnerable feeling) driving their anger, they have more choices. They may continue to handle situations in the same way or they may find more effective ways, without getting angry, that are positive for everyone concerned.
Explore the feelings underlying your anger. What did you feel just before you got angry?
What is the purpose of your anger? Is there a better way to achieve it than getting angry?
With care and concern,
Dr. Bea
Minimizing Your Troubles Can Be Harmful to Your Health
It’s easy to minimize what is troubling you. Just look at the news and you see the current disaster(s) that has happened. You see and hear about people who have lost their homes, lost members of their families, or are recovering from injuries from serious accidents.
You can always find someone worse off than you.
Let’s say that you and a friend are in a car accident and you are both injured. Your friend has two broken arms and two broken legs. You have a dislocated index finger. She is much worse off than you are. Of course, your friend will get treatment for her injuries. But that does not mean you are not in pain. That does not mean you do not get treatment. If you do not get treatment your index finger will continue to bother you, causing you pain and discomfort. It will not heal properly and will hamper your ability to use your hand for a lifetime.
People often dismiss what is bothering them. They tell themselves that they should not let such small troubles bother them because other people are worse off. This is effective when people truly let go. Then their vulnerable feelings dissipate. However, it is more common for people to ignore their feelings, pushing them to the back of their minds. The feelings do not dissipate; they are parked somewhere in the brain.
As life goes on and more of these times happen, more vulnerable feelings build up in the brain like a stack of coins piling up. Each situation by itself is not a big deal. But when circumstances do not change and feelings accumulate, little things grow into bigger things. One day, a small event happens, and the reaction to it is over the top. Others do not see the stacking up of the smaller events; they only see the overreaction to the one small event. They judge. They criticize. They blame.
Example:
Randy and Paula had planned a getaway weekend. Randy had been looking forward to getting away. He needed the break from the project he was working on at work. Paula became sick and they had to cancel. He brushed off his disappointment because, after all, it wasn’t anyone’s fault. There was nothing that could be done about it. He looked after Paula throughout the weekend.
On Monday, when he got back to work, he still could not get the project to go the way he wanted. By Tuesday he was frustrated and disappointed. He blew up at one of his co-workers. The co-worker felt blindsided by the intensity of Randy’s anger and refused to work with him.
People fear that if they allow themselves to feel their feelings, they will get worse. The opposite is true. When people allow themselves to feel what they feel, they recover quickly—much more quickly than if they suppress their feelings. Then no backlog of feelings can cause problems later, perhaps when you least expect it.
You are entitled to feel what you feel. It is healthy to feel what you feel. What is is. If you are sad, feel sad. If you are hurt, feel hurt. If you are lonely, feel lonely. Breathe through your feelings.
Allowing yourself to feel what you feel often leads to appropriate action.
With care and concern,
Dr. Bea Mackay
How to Shift Guilt into Positive Action
Guilt is a tremendous waste of energy. It does no one any good.
Guilt is all about feeling bad. Using guilt, you can make yourself feel bad, make someone else feel bad, manipulate yourself into doing something that you don’t want to say or do, and manipulate others into saying or doing things they don’t want to say or do. Using guilt, if you let them, others will manipulate you into doing something that you don’t want or need to say or do.
Guilt is grounded in standards and values. Standards and values are expressed with words such as – must, have to, ought to, obligated to, vowed to, should, responsible for, etc. The most used word is ‘should’.
I should work harder. I mustn’t talk so much. I should lose 10 pounds. I have to exercise more. I ought to drink less. I should go to church more often.
You can ‘should’ on yourself and you can ‘should’ on others. It’s a guaranteed way to make yourself and others feel bad.
Wants and needs are expressed with words that describe what we want or don’t want, what we need or don’t need, our preferences, passions, interests, tastes, etc.
I want to work with people. I need to feel wanted. I love music. I am fascinated with antique cars. I need some exercise. I need quiet to focus. I love holding my grandson. I hate licorice. I don’t want to travel anymore. I don’t need as much sleep as I used to. I’m crazy about tennis.
When we feel guilt, either of our own making or from what others say or do to us, it is often because our (or someone else’s) standards and values are opposed to our wants and needs.
E.g., I should visit my friend in the hospital more often.
You may not like hospitals so you avoid visiting your friend. You are also busy in your life and have difficulty finding the time to go. You value your friend and have a standard of how friends interact so you make yourself feel guilty for not acting accordingly. Or, you use the guilt to make yourself visit your friend. People often do or say things, not because they want or need to, but to stop or avoid feeling guilty.
Sometimes guilt is employed to avoid confrontation or to control your impulses. Perhaps you’re mad at someone but you feel it is risky or unsafe to be angry with that person so you turn the anger back on yourself. Only you experience the anger as guilt. “I should not be angry. I’m a bad person. There must be something wrong with me.” There is less danger of confrontation; there’s less danger of losing control of your impulses. And, you feel bad.
Guilt is energy. When you feel guilty, turn that energy into productive action: If you are religious or spiritual shift the energy of guilt into prayer. Prayer is the action of sending energy to God. You can pray for God to help you. You can pray for God to help others.
For example, when you feel guilty about not visiting your friend in the hospital shift from feeling guilty to praying for your friend.
Prayer is something you can do for your friend, no matter where you are or what you are doing. Praying for your friend will help you feel good about yourself. Guilt is passive, it does not do your friend any good. Prayer is active and may help your friend. There have been scientific studies that show that prayer is effective. Guilt is negative energy going round and round inside your head and body. Prayer is positive energy going outward into the universe.
This does not mean that you won’t visit your friend. When you feel better about yourself you are more likely to visit, or contact in some other way (phone, email, card, flowers), because you want to, not because you should.
If you are not religious then consider how the universe is made up of energy. The sun is energy. Gravity is a force. The wind is energy. X-rays give off energy. The human body emanates heat.
When you feel guilty turn the energy of guilt into positive vibes and send them out into the universe or send them to yourself. Sending positive vibes makes you feel good about yourself and others.
This is using your energy productively, effectively, and wisely. When people feel good about themselves, they are more likely to live by the standards and values that they hold. They don’t need guilt to make them do it.
With care and concern,
Dr. Bea Mackay
