Parenting
The Pun[ch] Game. All fun No Tears for Toddler Impulses.
One day recently my two-year-old grandson punched me. I handled it in the same way I handled my own children when they bit or hit me at that age.
I said, “Oh, you want to play the Punching Game.” He said, “Yes.” We started swinging, pretending to punch each other. We did not hit each other. At first, I would just touch (not hit) him occasionally with my fist until I realize that he was not touching me at all. So, I stopped touching him.
He delighted in this game, giggling and laughing. He would swing his arms in the air, twirled around several times and then fall to the ground all the time laughing. I followed his lead. From my knees, I would swing my arms, grunting as I made each “punch”. When he fell to the ground, I would ‘fall over’ by dropping my head to the ground. The game evolved as we played it over and over. He made changes. After he dropped to the ground he began to wiggle over and put his head between my knees and my head. We would look at each other ‘eyeball to eyeball’. I would say “hello’ and we would laugh. Then, we would get up and do it all over again. He loves this game. I especially love the moment when we are eyeball to eyeball.
He still asks me to play the ‘pun game’. He can’t say ‘punch’ so it took me a while to figure out what he was asking.
Nobody gets hit. Nobody gets hurt. We just have a lot of laughs when we play it.
Young children have impulses and urges they are learning to control. Often, they are told they are bad when they hit and bite. Their parents’ harsh tone of voice and angry facial expressions are distressing to them. That is hard on their self-esteem. The behavior is not OK and needs to be shifted into positive behavior. I believe that it is much better to channel their impulses into a healthy game so that they are not made to feel wrong or bad.
At one point when my boys were very little, both of them bit me. I said, “Oh you want to play the ‘bite’ game. Let’s take turns.” I offered my hand and immediately pulled it away when I got bitten, complaining loudly “Ow ow ow ow ow!” Then I said, “It’s my turn.” In a friendly way, I took their hand and I bit it, hard enough to hurt, but not hard enough to harm. It did not take many turns of this for them to say they did not want to play the ‘bite’ game anymore.
Note to parents: if you cannot do this in the spirit of a fun game then don’t do it.
When they wanted to stop, I said, “OK, let’s not play the ‘bite’ game. Let’s do something else.” I did not admonish or chastise them. It was just a game. This stopped the biting and hitting.
What I found interesting about my grandson was, after the first ‘punch’ he did not make contact at all when we played the game. I followed his lead. He has stopped punching me but, with great delight, we still play the Pun Game.
Protect your little one’s self-esteem.
With care and concern,
Dr. Bea
Sibling Rivalry: How Parents Can Make It Better or Make It Worse!
How parents (and others) can make it better or make it worse! Others can be relatives, teachers, religious leaders, coaches and neighbors, etc.
Rivalry is healthy.
It is normal and natural for siblings to compete with each other. The competition prepares them for the world at large. Healthy individuals are able to compete with others and attain what they want and need. Living in a family and learning how to compete is valuable and productive. Competing, per se, is not a problem. How family members compete with each other is the key factor. It’s the style of competition that is healthy or unhealthy. Children learn about competition in the family in several ways. Most importantly, how each parent models competition in his or her own life has a big impact on children. Whether or not parents compete with each other and, if so, how they do that, impacts upon their children. How parents handle competition influences how their children will handle it. Children may engage in competition in the same way as their parents, or differently. If it is not fun, they may opt out of competition altogether.
Sibling rivalry is about competing for parental resources.
The first-born never has to compete with a sibling(s) for parental resources—they just have them. When the second child is born, he or she begins life competing for parental resources while the first-born has to start competing. The first two children in any family are the most different whether there are two or ten children. The reason for this is because they need different ways to compete for parental resources. The more children there are in a family the fewer parental resources for each of the children. Children can get more parental resources by being unique, such as gifted, talented, handicapped, troubled, etc. Children who are unable to compete tend to get lost in the family and feel like they don’t matter.
Parents can promote healthy competition by:
- Modeling competing in healthy way.
- Modeling losing in healthy ways.
- Helping their children compete productively and effectively with each other.
- Not taking sides between siblings.
- Expressing confidence that their children can work out their differences.
- Having clear fair rules/boundaries that they follow through on consistently.
- Comforting and consoling their children when they lose.
- Discouraging their children from disparaging and making fun of each other.
Have Fun!
Parents model effective competition when they have fun playing a game with each other. They demonstrate the game is about fun, entertainment and spending time with each other—not winning or losing. Children delight in watching and experiencing their parents enjoying each other. Or, the competition is about improving skills, such as in sports, sewing, carpentry, games (cards/video/board)—not winning or losing.
Avoid competing with each other. Rather than compete with each other parents can demonstrate productively and effectively how to support each other without competition. They can demonstrate being proud and a ‘cheerleader’ for each other in their pursuits and achievements. They do not put each other down.
Let go of the need to win.
Parents model effective competition when they let go of the need to win and focus on having fun and spending time together. Children are most motivated and learn best when everyone is having fun.
Avoid competing with your children. Some parents feel inadequate when their children do better. Some parents, jealous of their own children’s achievements, may unconsciously send them the message “If you do well, I suffer.” This can be very detrimental to their children’s development.
Have your own life.
Parents model effective competition when they compete productively in adult activities— when they have their own lives that are separate from the children.
Avoid competing vicariously through your children. Some parents view their children as extensions of themselves and become overly invested in one or all of their children’s achievements. Their world revolves around their children’s lives. The children then become vehicles for the parents to feel OK about themselves.The children can become lost as individuals in their own right.
Focus on one child at a time.
Parents reduce rivalry when they focus on one child at a time. Talk to your child about any topic without mentioning a sibling or even a friend or schoolmate.
Avoid comparing your children to each other.
For example:
“Finish your chores.” Do not add your sister/brother has done theirs.
When you do compare be specific.
For Example:
“You are both helpful.”
“You are helpful when you pick up your toys.”
“Your sister is helpful when she puts her dishes in the sink.”
Children need their parents’ approval like a plant needs water. When parents compare their children to each other both children are harmed. The sibling who gets the approval gets it at the expense of another, not for him or herself alone. The sibling who does not get it may feel resentful and envious of their sibling. This usually leads to more fighting amongst the siblings. It also usually leads to more competition for parental approval.
Treat children with respect.
Parents reduce rivalry when they treat their children with respect. Comfort and reassure your children when they lose or fail. Focus on what was achieved.
For Example:
“You tried really hard. You can learn from that.”
“You gave it your best shot. You got one shoe on.”
Avoid mocking, humiliating or criticizing your child when he or she loses.
Some parents, particularly fathers, believe they need to toughen their child up to prepare them for life. But really, they do not need to do that. Children get toughen up anyway and they will be much tougher if they know they have their parents support and acceptance.
Have realistic expectations.
Parents reduce rivalry by setting realistic expectations for their children. Believe that your child is capable of taking on new challenges or tasks. E.g. you can do it. I believe in you. I know it difficult yet I know you can learn to do it.
Avoid demanding too high achievement in the home and in the outside world.
Minimize preferential treatment.
Parents minimize rivalry by not showing preference for one child over others. It may be impossible not to prefer one child to others; however, you can minimize the expression of your preference.
Avoid showing preference (verbally or non-verbally) for one child’s talent and abilities over another child’s. The parent who attends every dance recital but never a soccer game indirectly shows preference of one child to the other rather than for one activity over another. When a parent favours one child over the others for whatever reason – the child is the youngest, smallest, cutest, less intelligent, a girl or boy, sickest – siblings often feel resentment. This may result in siblings picking on the favoured sibling. Parents often over protect a child, which creates resentment in his or her siblings. It is important to protect younger children from older siblings, or weaker children from stronger siblings. The key point is not to OVER protect.
Encourage, support, and motivate each of your children.
Parents model fair behaviour when they act as cheerleaders for all their children.
Avoid refereeing. Children often manipulate their parents into refereeing their fights. This is often to get parents involved with them. If parents are not spending quantity or quality time with each child, they may fight with each other in order to get their parent’s involvement. It is not bad or wrong for children to do this. It is a way to get what they need from parents. If parents know this, they can remedy the problem by carving out more one on one time with each child or playing a game with all of the children. If you are going to spend time with your children it is healthier and more fun to play with them than fight with them.
As much as possible treat your children the same.
Parents minimize competition by treating all their children the same. While every child is different and unique, parents can have basic rules and guidelines in the family that conveys to the children that each one is important and has worth.
Avoid punishing your child who is a bully and rescuing your child who is the victim. You do not want to negatively reinforce one child to be a bully or the other to be the victim. These are roles that, consciously or unconsciously, they may play out in the family and also the world outside the family. Children, who bully their siblings, are discouraged. They do not feel good about themselves. When parents rescue a child from a bullying sibling and then punish the bully, both siblings are harmed. The bully feels even more discouraged about him or herself while the rescued child may develop a victim stance. There is a payoff for being the victim—negative power. Out of the parents’ eyesight the victim may provoke the bully into fighting so he or she can get mom or dad to rescued him or her and punish the bully.
Above all, be kind to yourself.
Parenting is difficult. Competition is a natural in families but that does not mean it is easy to deal with, especially if you are busy, stressed or tired.
Have a realistic goal. Cut the negative competition in half.
This is do-able. Your life will be easier when you achieve this. All members of the family will benefit.
One of the best gifts you can give your children is a strong sibling bond. They will have each other for support, comfort and companionship in adulthood.
With care and concern,
Dr. Bea
Safety First: How to Reduce Kids Fighting When Driving in the Car
Safety is first and foremost when driving a vehicle.
Fighting and goofing around are distracting to the driver. It is also dangerous for the drivers to be upset and yelling at their passengers. The best thing to do is develop a strategy for safe driving.
When my kids were young, we spent a lot of time driving from one activity to another. We lived several miles from most activities so there was lots of time spent in the car. When they would fight or noisily goof around, I found it distracting. Yelling didn’t work, and besides I hated yelling and nagging at them.
I decided to stop trying to make them stop. I developed a strategy. I told them it was not safe for me to drive when there is fighting going on. I told them I would pull over to the side of the road as soon as it was safe to do so and wait until they stopped. They didn’t believe me, but I knew they wouldn’t until I followed through on what I had said I’d do.
So, I began to do it. At first it happened quite a lot. I kept my word—I pulled over as soon as it was safe to do so and waited until they quieted down. In the beginning it seemed like a game to them. I was careful to keep my body language neutral and matter-of-fact, no eye rolling, no heavy sighs, no tense clipped speech. One time, they took a particularly long time to quiet down. So instead of “losing it” I stepped out of the vehicle and stood beside it. I never left the boys alone in the vehicle. When they finally quieted down, I got back in the car and without saying a word, started driving again. They didn’t like just sitting in the car and not getting where they were going whether it was school, soccer or home. So, they started quieting down sooner. Eventually, when they realized I was slowing down to pull off to the side of the road, they would quickly quiet down. Without saying a word, I would pull back onto the road and speed up.
Somewhere along the way, it became a non-issue, without anyone discussing it. Being noisy in the car just seemed to hardly happen at all.
This was accomplished without me yelling, getting upset, reasoning, pleading, nagging, threatening, guilt-tripping, being impatient or getting angry. Having a strategy really helped me remain calm. I felt in control of the situation in a way that was positive for the boys.
NOTE:
Consistency when carrying out a strategy is imperative to its success.
It may take some time for the plan to take effect so be prepared to be patient. The plan may even have to be tweaked a bit.
The attitude used to implement the strategy is also key to a successful outcome.
The same strategy used with an angry negative delivery could turn into a power struggle. This could make the dynamics between all persons involved worse.
Parenting Tips: How to Encourage Truth-Telling & Discourage Lying
One day when I was about seven, I overheard my mother talking to the Fuller Brush salesman at the door. Usually, my mother wore a dress but today was cleaning day so she was wearing pants. My mother was a white Anglo-Saxon protestant. She was born in Canada and spoke perfectly good English. She said to him in a quasi-Italian accent, “I’m just the cleaning lady. The lady of the house she no at home.”
I could not believe my mother was lying! She always told us to tell the truth. I learned later that she was not comfortable dealing with assertive salespeople.
Modeling:
The most powerful way to teach children anything is to model it. When children see and experience their parents telling the truth and admitting when they have lied, they are more likely to do the same. Many a parent will lie to other people, on the phone or in person, not realizing their child is witnessing it. Parents ask their children to lie for them “Tell whoever it is that I’m not at home.” Some parents use their children to help them smuggle articles across the border. Many people will not admit that they lied, either to a child or to anyone else.
Do not set your children up to lie.
I remember very clearly the day my mother caught me ‘smoking’. I was six. My friend and I had been playing over at her house. We had found half a package of cigarettes in the garbage can. I can’t say we smoked them but we lit them and pretended to smoke. When I came home my mother asked me the question, “Have you been smoking?” I don’t remember if I lied, but I probably did. I didn’t know that she could smell the smoke on me. She knew I’d been smoking yet she asked me if I had. I don’t remember being punished but I was never allowed to play with that friend again.
What stood out for me was feeling bewildered. ‘How did she know?’ For a while after that, I believed my mother knew everything that I did, no matter where I was.
We often set our children up to lie. We often already know that they have done something they should not have done or not done something they should have done. Yet we ask them about it anyway. Why? Usually to test them. Children will often lie or go mute in order to avoid getting into trouble. They will lie to avoid their parent’s disapproval. They will lie to avoid their parent’s anger.
Set your children up to tell the truth.
If you know your child has done something wrong, tell them about it using matter-of-fact statements. Avoid questions. Your child is more likely to admit to the truth. This way, you are more likely to get the behaviour you want—truth telling—than if you asked a question or were interrogated.
Example 1: I smell smoke in your hair. Tell me about how you got smoke in your hair.
Example 2: I see your bike is wet. I told you not to ride out in the rain. Tell me about it.
Example 3: I heard you on the phone to your friend. You told her where you went last weekend. I didn’t know about this. I’d like to hear about it.
When you put the facts to children in a matter-of-fact way they are more likely to admit what they have done. They know you already know, so there is no point in lying.
Reinforce truth-telling.
When your children tell you the truth acknowledge it.
Examples:
Thank you for telling the truth.
It takes courage to admit the truth.
Even though it was difficult, you had the courage to tell the truth.
I admire you for being honest.
Wow! You are brave to tell the truth.
I appreciate that you told me the truth.
I like a person who has the guts to say it like it is!
Create an environment in which it is safe to tell the truth.
Most people will tell the truth if they are not afraid. Children, especially, will lie if they are afraid. They are very sensitive to their parent’s tone of voice and facial expressions. When children feel interrogated, they get scared. Without even knowing why, they are more likely to lie or say nothing at all.
Question children matter-of-factly.
Question children in order to clarify.
Question children with a concern for the safety of themselves and others.
Focus on the issue.
“Now what are we going to do about this ……….?”
Keep your focus on the problematic behaviour. Avoid attacking a child’s character. It is crucial to tell children they are OK, but what they have done was wrong or was a mistake. They are more likely to tell the truth if you, their parent, do not think they are bad.
Have fair consequences for wrongdoing.
Children learn from consequences. Children are very sensitive to justice. If the consequences fit the misbehaviour and are carried out in a firm manner, children will accept the consequences and learn from them. However, if the consequences are unfair and/or they are carried out harshly, children may shift their focus from learning what to do or what not to do to learning how not to get caught.
Ignore lying if possible.
The less attention paid to lying the better.
One time when my children were about four and six, I noticed that one of the vinyl-covered chairs had a small cut in it. I asked both boys to come into the kitchen. I showed them the cut chair and asked if either of them knew how this had happened. Both denied doing it and denied any knowledge of who might have done it. I thanked them both for telling the truth even though I knew that one of them was lying. I wanted to acknowledge the one who was telling the truth. I wanted the one who was telling the truth to feel good about himself. Both children went off to play. About an hour later my eldest son came into the kitchen looking rather sheepish. He admitted to cutting the chair. I told him he was brave to come forward and admit the truth. I ignored that he had lied. I then focused on the chair and talked about how to fix it. He and I worked together to repair the chair.
If he had not ‘come clean’ I would have invited them both to help me repair the chair. Giving them a clear message that it is not ok to damage the furniture.
Be approachable.
There are times when your child needs to tell you the truth. Do not discourage your children from feeling comfortable approaching you.
A father was putting his 6-year-old son to bed. After they finished the story the boy blurted out what happened to him at daycare that afternoon. He said another boy, (also age 6) asked him to play ‘Dickiebum’ a ‘game’ that he had never played before. He said he did not like it and did not want to return to the daycare again. Although shocked and concerned the father listened attentively to his son. He asked him questions in a matter-of-fact way about what happened, who did what to whom, if he had told the person in charge of the daycare, etc. Fortunately for this boy, his father was open to hearing disturbing information and dealt with the issue calmly and appropriately.
At another time the father taught his son how to get out of situations that he did not want to be involved in.
Listen attentively if your child (or another child) comes to you with information about what someone else (child or adult) is doing. Clarify the situation with interest, avoiding irritation or blame. Children often do not understand what is going on so they are not able to explain clearly. You may even want to check it out for yourself to be sure. Your child, or someone else, may need protection.
How to Handle Truths that are difficult to hear.
Sometimes children tell their parents things that parents really do not want to hear. Children are often confused because they get a double message from their parents. Parents tell them to tell the truth, but when they do, the parents may not believe them, may get angry, or may not respond appropriately.
A child may tell you he deliberately slammed the door on the kitten to see what would happen and he was surprised when it died. A child may tell you that your neighbour touched him in a funny way. A child may tell you she stole money from your wallet.
If your child tells you a truth that is difficult for you to hear, avoid showing your child that you are alarmed. Show them that you are interested. Thank the child for telling the truth. Without leading the child, find out all that you can about what happened, and finally – deal with it appropriately. At an appropriate time, educate your child about the issue, whatever it is.
If you’re really taken aback, tell your child you need time to think about what they told you and you will talk to them later about it. Then consult with someone who has wisdom to help you deal with it.
In conclusion, the best way to teach honesty is to model it for children. The more children experience the value of truth-telling and the good feelings that come from truth-telling the less they will lie. The more parents avoid focusing on lying [the behaviour they don’t want] and create safety for truth-telling (the behaviour they want) the more their children will tell the truth.
Finally, be open to the truth when you get it. Handle situations with dignity and respect when your children are truthful.
