Relationships
Effective Communications Skills for Everyday Life
After the Fact
The After the Fact communication skill is one of the many communication skills that I teach my clients. It is a very useful skill that facilitates connection between partners.
Many clients tell me that during a discussion, argument or fight they often cannot think of what to say in the moment but then later, they come up with what they could have or should have said. They find this very frustrating.
For some reason, spouses often think if they missed out saying or doing something in the moment that nothing can be done. So they do nothing. Often they stew or ruminate about it but it does not occur to them that they could possibly remedy the situation.
It is not always possible to think of what to say or do in the moment. Sometimes people are distracted with something or someone else. When people are anxious they often cannot think, so they say or do nothing. Or, they may blurt out something they don’t mean or something that is not even relevant. Sometimes people laugh in situations like this and the laughter is misunderstood.
In ongoing relationships it is always possible to bring up an issue later. Later can be minutes, hours, days or even years. This keeps the lines of communication open and strengthens the connection between couples.
Examples:
A while ago you said to me. I was surprised and didn’t know what to say. Well, now that I’ve had a chance to think about it I .
You know yesterday when we were talking about I kind of blurted out I didn’t mean it. What I wished I’d said to you was
I’ve been thinking about what we talked about last week, you know, about I want to add and let you to know it’s important to me that .
It’s been a month since we had that fight about . It is still bothering me. Let’s talk about it again.
When we married (10 years ago) you said you never wanted to . I want to know if that is still true for you.
When people use the After the Fact communication skill frequently, the time between the incident and the delayed communication tends to shorten. Gradually, the time becomes so short that partners are better able to think of what they want to say or do what they want to do in the moment. However, it’s not essential to occur in the moment, After the Factis just fine.
The After the Fact skill is extremely helpful to keep a couple emotionally connected with positive feedback and behaviors.
Examples:
I really had a good time last night (one partner to another about making love).
You know, last week when we went to the concert I was so focused on getting there on time I didn’t tell you how great you looked.
The last time my parents were over you treated them really well. I appreciate how welcome you made them feel.
While the After the Fact communication skill is really helpful for couples, it is also helpful in many other situations as well—parenting, work, and social interactions.
Make the Fuzzy Clear
Too often in conversations and interactions people assume they know what the other person is talking about or doing. Without checking out their assumptions they act as if what they assume is true or fact. Sometimes their assumptions are indeed true and communication is clear. However, when their assumptions are incorrect communication tends to go sideways.
In relationships we know our partners well. Usually we know what they think, feel, value, expect, get upset and excited about. Sometimes though, knowing each other too well creates blind spots. Clarifying can help navigate the blind spots.
Pronouns
Pronouns often make communication fuzzy: I, mine, he, she, his, hers, they, them, you, yours, we, us, one, it, this, that, these, those, other(s), etc.
Example A:
Bob’s mother and her sister are coming for dinner.
Bob, “My mom said my aunt is a little unsure that you want her to come. She wants you to give her a call.”
Ann (thinking the ‘her’ referred to is Bob’s aunt), “I don’t feel comfortable calling her.”
(For Bob the ‘her’ is his mother). Bob (impatient), “What’s the big deal? Give her a call.”
Ann (feels pressured and wants to avoid), “It’s your family. You do it. I bought the groceries and I’m making the dinner. You haven’t done much at all.”
THE FIGHT IS ON. Now the issue shifts away from making a phone call.
Make the fuzzy clear: Ann, “Who do you want me to call, your mom or your aunt?”
Example B:
Sue, “This week I’m going on the road with my boss.”
Greg, “Yesterday I really impressed my boss with what I did. You know, when you get an opportunity to make more of an impact you should go for it.”
(When people say ‘you’ they could be referring to you, they could mean themselves, or everyone one in general.)
Make the fuzzy clear: Sue, “When you say ‘you’ do you mean yourself, everyone or me?”
Example C:
Siggie, “We’re going to Joan’s for a potluck dinner. Do you want to come?”
(Knowing specifically who or what is involved helps you make decisions that work out better for you.)
Make the Fuzzy Clear: Jane (Thinking—It depends on who is going), “Who is ‘we’?”
Example D:
Joe, “I’m working late every night next week. The week after I’m going out of town for 3 days. It gets more and more difficult.”
(What is the ‘it’? Working a lot? Traveling? Keeping up? Getting enough time with family?)
Make the Fuzzy Clear: John, “What is it that is more difficult for you?”
Fewer misunderstandings lead to easier relationships.
Qualifiers
Words that qualify can have different meaning for different people.
Sometimes, early/late, in a little while, high/low, hard/soft, big/small, strong/weak, fast/slow, positive/negative, mostly/slightly, more/less, helpful/not helpful, harmful, safe/dangerous etc.
When people communicate they often have different ideas in mind. It is often helpful to inquire more about what someone is thinking or intending before you respond. What is difficult for one person may seem easy to another. What is slightly stressful for one person may be really stressful for another.
Example E:
Make the Fuzzy Clear: Sam, “When you say you will be late, how late is late?”
Example F:
Make the Fuzzy Clear: Julie, “You mentioned you wanted to earn more money, how much more do you have in mind?”
Example G:
Fred, “Stop doing that, it’s harmful.”
Make the Fuzzy Clear: Mike, “What exactly do you find ‘harmful’?” [He thinks he knows but perhaps it is not what he expects.]
Make the Fuzzy Clear: Mike, “How do you see it as harmful?”
(The key here is the word YOU. The receiver may or may not see it as harmful but to the sender it is harmful. Rather than argue about whether or not it is harmful, inquire how the sender views it, or experiences it as harmful.)
Idiosyncratic (Personal) Meaning
People often use the same words or expressions but have different meanings for them. Often the meanings are only slightly different but sometimes they are vastly different.
Take the word ‘drunk’ for instance. We all have a common meaning for ‘drunk’. Yet a person who had a parent who was a mean drunk when they were growing up has a different additional meaning for ‘drunk’ than a person who had a parent who occasionally got drunk and was funny when they did.
Words
Example H:
My Tennis Instructor: “I no longer trust Federer.” (Federer is a top tennis player.)
Make the Fuzzy Clear: Me: “In what way don’t you trust him?” (I was inquiring about what he meant by the word ‘trust‘).
Phrases
Example I:
Put more space between the lines
‘Losing it’ refers to a range of behaviors varying from almost nothing to extreme violence. For some people ‘losing it’ means saying something or doing something when usually they say or do nothing. Some people use this expression when they just mean that they lost their focus. For other people ‘losing it’ means they became physical, either with only themselves (punched a hole in the wall), or with someone else (punched someone else).
‘Losing it’ could also mean becoming emotional. For some people this could mean showing a few tears while for others it means they became hysterical.
Example J:
Jim: “Boy, I lost it with my manager yesterday.”
Make the Fuzzy Clear: Rick, “When you say you ‘lost it’ what exactly did you say and do?”
Inquiring early in a conversation keeps communication clear. Clarifying leads to clearer understanding, effective communication, and less reactivity. Fewer misunderstandings lead to easier relationships.
I encourage all of you to assume less and clarify more.
Handling Mixed Messages: Return to Sender
A mixed message is a message that can be taken different ways. Mixed messages cause lots of communication problems in intimate relationships and in relationships in general.
First of all, you need to know when you’re getting a double or mixed message. The way you know is by your feelings (confused) and your thoughts (puzzled). These feelings and thoughts are your cues to guide what you say and do in response.
When messages do not match they are incongruent and come in various forms.
- What a person says conflicts with what they said previously.
- What a person does conflicts with what they did previously.
- What a person says conflicts with what they do.
- What a person says conflicts with their body language.
When you receive a double or mixed message, without expectation or demand for change, send both messages back to the sender.
Give both message back as feedback to the sender. Report what was said, what was observed and describe behaviors. When you communicate in this way, the sender is more likely to respond in a positive reasonable way. If you respond in an attacking, blaming, contemptuous or sarcastic manner then the sender is mostly likely to be hurt, angry and defensive.
You cannot control how the sender receives your feedback; you can only control how you deliver it.
When Words Do Not Match Words: Examples of What to Say
Last week you said you think mothers should stay home with their babies (words) and now you’re saying mothers should work outside the home to be good role models for their children (words). I’m wondering which you believe or if you believe both.
I’m having trouble figuring this out. You just told me you love me very much (words) and now you’re saying you need some space from me (words).
When Words Do Not Match Behaviors: Examples of What to Say
- I don’t get it. You complain about me not helping around the house (words) yet you re-do everything I do (behaviors).
- I’m confused. You say you want me to be affectionate (words) yet when I touch you, you pull away (behaviors).
- I’m confused. You said you would help me (words) but now you’re going to the store.
- I’m puzzled. You said you wanted to spend more time with your kids (words) but when they are here, you often go off by yourself (behaviors).
When Words Do Not Match Body Language: Examples of What to Say
- I’m puzzled. You say you’re fine (words) yet you look sad (body language).
- I’m confused. You said you like my plans for Saturday night (words) yet the tone of your voice has an angry edge to it (body language).
- You say you’re listening to me (words) but you have not looked at me (body language), so I’m not sure.
You cannot stop or prevent your partner from sending you mixed messages. What you can do is change how you respond to them. By telling the other about your confusion you are letting them know the impact of their behavior on you. People do not realize they are giving mixed messages. When you give them feedback they often find it helpful. This has the potential to improve communication.
When the other knows they are sending mixed messages, they can clarify. It could be that they are not really conflicted and don’t realize they are sounding or acting like they are.
If the sender is truly conflicted, however, your feedback brings their incongruence to their attention. It’s like holding a mirror up to them so that they can more clearly see themselves. Now, if they want, they can address it. This too, has the potential to improve communication.
Experiment with this skill and see how communication shifts.
Putting the Inside Outside
Put the Inside Outside is another communication skill that I teach clients in both individuals and couples sessions.
When people talk to each other they often think thoughts or have feelings that they do not reveal to others. Most of the time this is perfectly OK. It certainly would not be appropriate to say everything one is thinking or feeling. Yet often, when more information is given there are fewer misunderstandings and a greater connection.
It can be as simple as letting others know you are feeling pressured for time.
For example, in a session with client(s) if I’m running late, I often start to speak faster and may interrupt my clients, especially when working with couples. When I notice myself doing that I will say to clients, “The session is almost over and I’m feeling pressured for time to complete what we’re doing.” This helps them understand what is going on with me and lets them know that I’m not impatient with them. They experience how it feels to be informed and usually want to cooperate. I am also teaching them the skill of Put the Inside Outside by modeling it.
When working with couples I often find that partners do not let each other know what is going on inside of them, positive or negative. They do not give each other feedback. It leaves each partner guessing and hoping that the impact of what they said is what they meant.
Example:
In a couples session.
Wife to husband, “I appreciate how you help with the kids when you get home.”
Husband, “Well I always do that.”
Dr. Bea, “Your wife just told you something that she appreciated about you. What was that like?”
Husband, “What do you mean?”
Dr. Bea, “Well, did you like her telling you that?”
Husband, “Yeah, it felt good.”
Dr. Bea, “Let her know.”
Husband to wife, “It felt good to hear you appreciate what I do.”
Dr. Bea to wife, “What was it like to hear that from him.”
Wife, “It felt really good.”
We all laugh.
Often it is the simple things that people communicate to each other that can make a big difference in their communication and their connection with each other.
Turning Your Questions into Statements
People often ask questions when they are really making statements. Sometimes this is intentional but mostly people don’t even realize they are communicating in this way.
Examples:
“Do you want to see a movie tonight?” may actually be “I want to see a movie tonight and I want you to come with me.”
“Are you leaving now?” may actually be “I don’t want you to leave now.”
“Don’t you have to be somewhere by 8:00?” may actually be “I want you to leave so I can get back to what I was doing.”
“Did you take out the garbage?” may actually be “If you have not taken out the garbage. I’m going to be mad at you because I have to do the bulk of the household chores. The least you can do is take out the garbage.”
“Are you coming to bed soon?” may actually be “I’m feeling randy and I’m hoping I can entice you into making love.”
“Have you done your homework?” may actually be “If you have not done your homework you’re going to be in trouble because I need you to do well in school.”
“What are you doing?” could really mean “I don’t like what you’re doing!” or “I really like what you are doing!”
Usually, the person being asked this kind of question takes it at face value, as a request for information, and answers accordingly. This may develop into an argument that neither want to have on a topic that is not the real issue.
If a husband asks his wife “Do you have to go out tonight?”, she may explain that she has made a commitment and needs to keep it. “I promised Janie I’d have coffee with her.” or “I need to get groceries.” The conversation may escalate into an argument about whether or not she really has to go or that she is going out too much. Perhaps she feels he’s trying to control her.
What the husband is actually saying is “We’ve both been really busy lately and I would like to spend some time with you?” If he had made this statement, his wife would know what is really going on with him and be able to respond to the real issue. She could generate options. She could set up a time to be together soon. She could come home early. She could put off what she was going to do to another time. Depending on the situation, she could invite him to go with her. Now the couple is communicating clearly with each other. Each feels cared about rather than frustrated.
Usually, a question is just a question—a request for information. But many questions are really disguised statements with the sender’s real message hidden within them. When that happens people can feel interrogated, manipulated, attacked or put on the spot. When questions are disguised as statements a person can feel set up and get defensive. These kinds of questions create resentment, which leads to lots of arguments and poor communication. After a while spouses become wary of any questions. Before long relationships deteriorate.
By making statements instead of asking questions communication remains clear. The real issues are more likely to get addressed in a friendly, respectful and caring manner.
Do Not Agree to Do (or not do) Anything That You Do Not Want to Do
When you agree to do something that you do not want to do you will be conflicted. Several reactions could happen which creates distance and barriers in relationships.
If you reluctantly do something you agreed to do, you may feel resentful toward the person who made you agree to do it. You may forget to do it (a way to get out of it) which lets the other person down. They can’t count on you. You may turn your anger against yourself and beat yourself up for not being true to yourself—for not being able to hold your own with another and say ‘no’. Turning your energy against yourself is a passive way of distancing yourself from others.
For Example, when you agree to keep a secret, you have to manage keeping the secret. It takes energy to do that and you behave differently than if you did not have to keep the information secret or if you didn’t know the information at all.
- You may act differently because you know information you agreed not to tell.
- You may inadvertently tell the secret creating trouble for one or more people
- You may be blamed for disclosing the secret.
- You may be blamed for not disclosing the secret sooner.
Most secrets inevitably come out, sometimes years later. You may be blamed for not telling others sooner. Other(s) may feel betrayed by something you kept secret for a long time and did not tell them.
If someone asks you to keep a secret the best thing to say is:
- I’m not good at keeping secrets so don’t tell me.
- I won’t keep secrets.
- Don’t tell me; I don’t want to know.
- I cannot promise to keep a secret
- I cannot promise to keep what you told me confidential.
- (Joking) I’ve got very loose lips and things just seem to slip out.
Example:
Many years ago, a close family member disclosed to me a secret he was carrying – information about himself and asked me to keep it a secret. Not knowing how it would compromise me, I agreed, feeling pleased that he felt ok enough to confide in me. I wish I had never heard what he told me because it got in the way of my being with my relatives. Both he and the relative are deceased so one would think it’s OK to disclose it now. But they have children who would be impacted by the information. I wish I had asked him not to tell me. Even now as I write this I’m thinking I shouldn’t be sharing it even though it is a perfect example of the danger of agreeing to keep the secret.
How to Receive a Compliment (besides saying thank you or thanks)
Verbal /Non-Verbal—a Smile
1) Focus on the sender.
Example A:
Sender: I like your haircut.
Receiver: I’m glad you like it.
Example B:
Sender: You make the best desserts!
Receiver: I’m so happy you enjoy them.
2) Let the sender know how you feel.
Example A:
Sender: I like your haircut
Receiver: Good to know or Good to hear
Example B:
Sender: You make the best desserts!
Receiver: I appreciate the feedback.
When you agree, that makes two of us!
Reflective Listening
One of the most powerful communication skills is Mirroring, also called Reflective Listening. As a mirror reflects back one’s image, the receiver verbally reflects back to the sender words that let the sender know for sure that the message sent was the message received.
Mirroring is difficult to learn but well worth the time and effort. It pays off big time in developing solid connections between partners. For that matter, it works with people in general. Often when couples I work with learn this skill, one or both will report back how mirroring was effective in a situation at work, with one of their children or with a friend.
Reflecting Listening is NOT repeating the message word for word. That is called parroting. Parroting is useful at times, such as making an appointment or date.
Example:
Dick: “We have a reservation for 7:00 pm at the Delight Restaurant.
Jane: “OK. Reservation for 7:00 at the Delight Restaurant.”
Mirroring is NOT repeating or even remembering all the details of what was said. People think that just because they can repeat back everything that was said means they were listening. Hearing the words is not enough. Hearing the message the words are conveying, and saying that message back to the sender, is mirroring.
Mirroring is NOT saying “I understand.” Or “I get it.” The receiver may or may not understand but the sender has no way to gauge whether they do or not. If the receiver actually does not understand, things could get worse later. “But I thought you understood!”
Mirroring involves the receiver putting his or her own viewpoint aside and letting the sender know in words that they see or know the sender’s point of view.
The Receiver puts into words what the sender:
- thinks and believes
- feels (emotions)
- has done, has not done, is doing or wants to do (behaviors)
- wants and needs
- values
- wants you to understand
Example:
Stan, “I expected you back from your trip yesterday morning. I had made plans for us. I was really looking forward to going out together. I can’t believe you would not let me know you’d been delayed.”
Cindy (instead of getting defensive she reflective listens to Stan), “You’re really disappointed that I didn’t get back yesterday. You missed me.”
Stan (relieved), “I sure did. I’m glad you’re back.”
Cindy, “I’m sorry I didn’t let you know about the delay. I understand you’re disappointed and I’m glad to know you missed me.”
Stan had not said he was disappointed or that he missed Cindy. Cindy picked his feelings up and mirrored back to Stan how he felt. Even if Stan had actually forgotten that she had told him she would be late, Cindy is better off doing what she did, reflective listening, rather than arguing, defending herself or withdrawing in silence. As a result of Cindy’s reflective listening, what stood out for both of them was the positive connection between them—he missed her and she likes that he missed her.
Couples who are positively emotionally connected to each other have relationships that are strong through the good times and the bad times.
Caution: When mirroring, reflect back only the message sent. Do not add more than was said or try to put your own message into your response. That is, don’t put a spin on your response. That won’t work and it could easily make communication worse. Wait for your turn to say what you want to say.
For an exercise that gives an experience of Mirroring or Reflective Listening, see the Blog Page We can communicate Better.
Emotional Intimacy
Intimacy is a relationship between people that nurtures and enhances emotional and physical closeness. Sharing of thoughts, feelings, moments, pleasurable affectionate physical touch, times and events in life, creates intimacy. Intimacy is about heart-to-heart sharing between people about their lives.
Intimacy is about being with others as opposed to doing to others.
Intimacy is connection, connection of one person’s own self to another or others’ selves. It creates bonding between people. Intimacy creates meaning for life— a sense that life, even though it may be difficult, is worthwhile. To be intimate with one or more others gives one a sense that one belongs.
When I was taking the Master’s in Family Counselling course, one of the first things we were taught was…ONE OF THE QUICKEST WAY TO HELP SOMEONE IS TO IMPROVE THEIR INTIMATE RELATIONSHIPS.
Personal Story:
Many years ago, before I had children (over 50 years ago) I had an experience that helped me change my life in a good way. I remember it to this day.
I went to a group meeting, I don’t remember what the meeting was for, other than personal growth. It was a group of men and women. There were about 12 of us there sitting on chairs in a circle. At some point in the session, the group leader, a woman, directed us to stand up, turn to our right and massage the neck of the person in front of us for 2 minutes. We did what was requested. Then, as we sat down, she asked, “What were you most aware of, giving or receiving?” As I sat down the man who had been massaging my neck asked me, “How was it for you?”
At that moment I realized, I had not even felt his hands on my body. I was shocked! I was so focused on giving, I could not receive!!!!!! Since that experience, I have learned to receive and it has not been easy. I was glad to learn that lesson, my life is much better when I give AND receive.
Emotional intimacy can be experienced in brief moments, hours, and years. It can be experienced between parent and child, grandparent and child, adult child and elderly parent, lovers of all ages and good friends of all ages. Emotional intimacy can be experienced with one person or with a group of people, groups such as family gatherings, group therapy, group of close friends and enduring an ordeal with others.
Safety and connection are major factors in intimacy. People allow themselves to get close to others when they feel safe. When people have been hurt in relationships, they tend to protect themselves from getting close to others. This interferes with getting their intimacy needs met. To deal with the isolation all manner of behaviors take place to cope with the unpleasant sensations of separateness and isolation. People use alcohol and drugs, over working, impersonal sex, overly focusing on hobbies, sports and other activities to numb the pain and deflect from it. It’s like ignoring and coping with ongoing hunger.
People desire and seek intimacy. People who are comfortable with intimacy experience it as wonderful. People who are not familiar with intimacy or have been hurt by it, are confused—they both love it and are uncomfortable with it. Some people do not recognize the sensations of intimacy so feel confused and uncomfortable with them. As a result, they often push it away by doing behaviors that unintentionally sabotage it. They may provoke a fight and/or withdraw. Many a fight is caused by one partner feeling uncomfortable with sensations of too much closeness. This leaves the other feeling hurt and confused, saying, “But I was just beginning to think things were getting better.”
People often confuse emotional intimacy and sexual intimacy. It is possible to have intimacy without sex and sex without intimacy. Courtship can be so pleasant when lovers experience intimacy and sexual pleasure.
The opposite of intimacy is isolation, feeling separate or detached from others. People dislike the sensations of isolation—it is a very negative unpleasant experience. It is this sense of isolation which drives people to seek out contact with others. Fear of isolation often keeps people in relationships with others even if the contact is painful and negative. Children may stay with friends because they no longer like to avoid feeling isolated. Couples may stay with each other, not because they care about each other, but to avoid feeling isolated and being alone. Being alone is not necessarily isolated. Feeling disconnected and or cut off from others emotionally generates the sense of isolation. Life seems meaningless when a person feels all alone in the world, when they feel they don’t belong with a person or group.
The universe works in waves. There is a natural flow from intimacy to separateness from separateness back to intimacy ongoing over time. People tend to flow from needing intimacy, getting that need satisfied and then needing separateness and getting that need satisfied. They seek both in their own particular style. Some people need and want more intimacy than others. Some people need and want more separateness than others. Problems occur in relationships when there is a difference in amount and style. Problems occur when partners have been hurt and/or are resentful.
I believe a lot of the difficulties in relationships are due to intimacy needs not getting met. People feel alone and isolated as they sit for hours in front of their TV sets and on their phones, deflecting from the pain of unmet social and emotional needs. They disconnect from their own bodies to escape from the emotional pain. They often don’t realise what is happening, and if they do, they don’t know what to do about it—so they do nothing.
Exercises to Improve Emotional Intimacy
EXERCISE 1:
This exercise is specifically designed to renew and enhance emotional intimacy between couples (sexual contact is not a part of this exercise).
Step 1:
Agree to find 20 minutes to be together alone. Make this a time when you will least likely be disturbed.
Step 2 (3 minutes):
Agree on a fun/pleasant activity to do together immediately after completing this exercise. For example, take a walk, play a game, have a meal, etc. (no sex/lovemaking).
If you get stuck on this task, do not waste time on it. Choose the option of flipping a coin to decide who goes first. Ask, “Do you want odd days or even?” Then whoever goes first makes the decision of what to do, the partner agrees to go along with the (reasonable) decision no matter what it is.
Step 3:
Begin the exercise. Find a comfortable way to sit facing each other fully clothed. Do not do this exercise on the bed. This a non-verbal exercise. Do not speak other than to give feedback of pleasure or discomfort.
One person begins as the ‘Giver’ and the other as the receiver ‘Receiver’ (eyes closed).
NOTE: Do only what you want to do!
WHAT ARE THE 6 MOST IMPORTANT WORDS IN ANY LANGUAGE?
THE ANSWER: HIGHER, LOWER, SOFTER, HARDER, FASTER SLOWER.*
Step 4 (2 minutes):
One partner explores the other from the neck up using all of his/her senses—sight, sound, smell, taste, and touch.
Look at your partner as if you have never seen him/her before. Look the shape, color, texture of your partner’s skin, eyes, hair etc.
Listen to your partner as if you’ve never listened to him/her before. Listen to breathing, shifting, coughing, any noises that are made.
Smell your partner as if you’ve never smelled him/her before. Smell their skin and hair.
Taste your partner as if you’ve never tasted him/her. This often triggers uncomfortable sensations. This is natural. When this happens, just be aware of it and then shift back to your senses of sight, smell, sound, taste and touch. Keep re-focusing your attention from thinking to sensing. Most important to keep re-focusing your attention onto your partner and away from yourself. Do not give meaning to what you sense. For example, if your partner is smiling, do not give meaning to the smile—just focus on how the smile looks, the shape of it, the feel of the smiling lips, the creases it creates, etc. If your partner’s brows are furrowed, do not think about why, just stroke them. What is, is. At this moment they are furrowed, why, what, who, when, where are irrelevant.
The partner on the receiving side of this interaction is to focus on the sensations they are experiencing during this time. Soak it up! Pay attention to the sensations as if you’ve never experienced them before.
As you are receiving, you may find yourself thinking about what you are sensing and what the other person may be thinking or feeling. This is natural. This usually happens as you experience uncomfortable sensations. When this happens, just be aware of it and then shift back to your senses of sight, smell, sound, taste and touch. Keep re-focusing your attention from thinking to sensing. Keep refocusing your attention to your own experience in the here and now.
Step 5 (2 minutes):
Reverse the roles. The Giver becomes the Receiver and the Receiver becomes the Giver.
Step 6 (5 minutes):
Reverse the roles.
Step 7 (5 minutes):
Reverse the roles.
Step 8:
Go and play and have fun together (no sex/love-making).
During the exercises, if you find yourself thinking thoughts such as “I don’t know what to do.” or “I don’t know if I’m doing this right.” or “I feel silly doing this.” Be aware that this is thinking and refocus yourself on what you are seeing, hearing, smelling, tasting and touching.
If you find yourself thinking thoughts such as, “I wonder if my partner is OK with doing this? Or, “Maybe I smell bad. I should have put on perfume/cologne.” Be aware that this is thinking and refocus your attention back to what you are sensing. Thinking is a way to avoid sensing.
If you are unable to find 20 minutes in the course of a week because you are too busy you should be concerned. This is a red flag that your relationship needs attention. Perhaps you are using work, sleep and activities to avoid intimacy with your partner. Improving an intimate relationship helps people deal more effectively with life in general.
20 minutes is not a lot of time in one week. Examine your priorities and decide what you want. It is up to you.
As you develop more and more neural pathways, you will be able to enjoy the emotional and physical intimacy generated by the accumulation of experiences.
You may feel sexually aroused by the exercise. Enjoy it. Arousal is pleasurable. Allow this to pass without trying to do anything about it. It is very important that you not act on your impulses, as it will destroy what is to be gained by the exercise. It may even harm the intimacy that there is already in the relationship.
When you do have sex, you’re more likely to make love to each other, which will heighten the pleasure of the sexual contact and strengthen the sense of connectedness.
Use the same protocol for all the exercises (increasing the time spent by 5 minutes).
EXERCISE 2:
Set a timer. Include the upper body which is clothed (come close to but do not touch sexual parts of the body).
EXERCISE 3:
Set a timer. Include the lower body which is clothed (come close to but do not touch sexual parts of the body).
EXERCISE 4:
Set a timer. Include from the waist up (come close to but do not touch sexual parts of the body).
EXERCISE 5:
Set a timer. Totally nude (come close to but do not touch sexual parts of the body).
The first time you do this exercise adhere to the time as set out. In future times, when you practice the exercises, you can adjust the time by talking and agreeing on time.
You can use your own discretion as to the time spent remembering that you will start feeling uncomfortable and gradually get comfortable.
THE QUALITY OF TIME changes when you embrace the sensations you are experiencing. You are now in the Sensory part of your brain which experiences time as expanding and long yet once over, it seems to go by in a blink of an eye.
Now you are fully connected to your body and feel grounded and solid within yourself.
Side Effects of These Exercises:
Sensations of the RECEIVER:
Embarrassment, shyness, giggling, spontaneous laughter. Perhaps shame and guilt and other unpleasant sensations such as pulling away, anxious, wanting to shrink/hide.
Time will seem long and difficult to endure.
As you gain more and more neural pathways, the sensations transcend the unpleasant ones and become pleasant – relaxation, enjoyment, sexual arousal enjoyment, pleasure, connectedness, safety.
Time will seem long and very enjoyable.
Sensations of the GIVER:
At first, oddly enough, you may experience many of the same unpleasant sensations; embarrassment, shyness, giggling, spontaneous laughter. Perhaps you will experience shame and guilt and other unpleasant sensations such as pulling away, anxious, wanting to shrink/hide. Maybe you are being invasive and intrusive. Perhaps there is hesitancy and the concern that your touch may be unwelcome or you’re just not doing it right.
Time will seem long and difficult to endure.
As you gain confidence and realize that you are giving your partner pleasure you will tend to forget about time and enjoy your own sensations of giving your partner pleasure. You will feel connected to your partner in a whole new way that grounds you in yourself and in your relationship with your partner.
Time changes quality when you embrace the sensations you are experiencing. You are now in the sensory part of your brain which experiences time as expanding and long yet once over it seems to go by in a blink of an eye.
Now you are fully connected to your body and feel grounded and solid within yourself.
NOTE: If you feel resistance to do the above exercises, try this fun activity.
When there has been a lot of struggles and unpleasant times in a relationship, people often do not want to be this physically close and intimate. They have been hurt and fear being hurt again. This is very common in relationships, even not so troubled ones. Buried hurt often manifests as resentment. The resentment acts as a ‘wall’ to keep oneself protected, but once built, this wall can become a lonely unpleasant prison. Over the years, the walls become thicker and higher, making it harder and more difficult to let go of past hurts.
Try to create a crack in your own wall so you can start receive pleasant and caring well-intentioned behaviors. Then work to change this crack into a door in your wall, which you have the key to, and can open the door and let your partner in—or you can leave your safe place and know it’s there if you need it.
To start: Have a fun fight!
People seem to be so afraid of anger that they react to the word ‘fight’ negatively. So if that is what happens for you, use the term ‘attacking type activity.’ Think of it as fun!
Suggestions:
- pillow ‘fight’ (stronger partner goes on their knees and uses one hand only to hold the pillow)
- stomp on pop/beer cans together
- stomp on large bubble wrap
- slam bean bags against a wal—trying to make the loudest sound
- throw water filled balloons at each other
- find or make a mud bath and smearing mud on each other
Have a STOP signal. Respond to this signal immediately, when your partner requests it.
For example, the signal could be ‘uncle’, ‘ouch’, ‘enough’, ‘break time’ or just STOP. It could be a non-verbal cue of a raised hand, palm facing the partner, hands together with palms facing each other, or lying belly up or down.
Whatever you both agree on, be sure you adhere to it immediately. This prevents anyone from imploding or exploding—guaranteeing the activity remains SAFE. I recommend you test this exercise to ensure that this type of engagement truly works for the both of you. Knowing this is safe for the both of you, will help you take more risks for opening up to being vulnerable.
FOOTNOTE: * I first heard this as a joke, but I think it is true, so it seems appropriate here.
Couple Dynamics: The Attacker and the Defensive One
In a situation where one partner attacks the other, both partners can be defensive but have very different styles. The expression The Best Defense is a Good Offense describes the style of the Attacker. When the Defensive One brings an issue or problem up to their spouse, the Attacker feels attacked and defends him or herself by attacking the Defensive One with real or imagined wrongs. The Defensive One defends himself. The interaction between them shifts from the Defensive One trying to resolve a problem between them to the Defensive One ‘on the ropes’ explaining and defending what their spouse has just accused them of. The original issue the Defensive One brought forward gets lost. The Attacker has deflected the issue so he or she no longer has to deal with it.
Scenario 1:
In his business Randy does a lot of entertaining of business associates, mostly in restaurants, but often dinners at home as well. His wife Erin does not mind this although it is a lot of work. What really bothers her is that Randy changes as soon as his business associates enter the home. To her, he treats her and the children like second-class citizens. When Erin complains to Randy, he accuses her of not wanting to help him in his business and of not being a supportive wife. Erin reacts by denying his accusations. She can never get him to acknowledge her complaint so it can never be addressed. His behavior does not change. She starts to resent entertaining her husband and resents him. Intimacy suffers.
Scenario 2:
George was concerned about his children. He felt Mary was too hard on them and he tried in many different ways to bring his concern to Mary. He also felt she was too hard on him but he was more concerned about the children than himself. Every time he tried to address his concern with her she felt attacked as a mother and defended herself by attacking him. She accused him of being too lenient with the children. George knew this was true because he was trying to compensate for what he thought was her harshness and usually defended his actions. She accused him of undermining her as a parent and not standing with her as a team. She attacked his character, accusing him of being a wimp and a poor role model for the children. She attacked him for not being a good husband. If things escalated further then she attacked his family and his friends. George would end up defending himself, the kids, his family, and his friends. His issue got lost. He felt resentful and withdrew from the relationship. Intimacy suffered.
The Defensive One is confused. They usually do not understand what just happened. After many interactions like this one, the Defensive One no longer wants to bring up an issue because they know it will be turned around on them. Now there is no way for them to address an issue. Intimacy suffers.
The Defensive One needs to shift from being defensive to standing their ground when they are attacked. This is much easier said than done. It helps if the Defensive One realizes that the Attacker is feeling vulnerable too yet is hiding it in the attack. If one does not feel vulnerable there is no reason to avoid issues your spouse brings to you.
Scenario 1:
Erin learned to change how she was reacting to her husband when he attacked her. She stopped defending herself. She told him that whatever issues he has with her can be addressed another time. Right now, she was dealing with the issue of how he changed when business associates came into the home. At first, Randy kept attacking her but she held her ground by saying, “That may be so but right now I’m talking to you about how you change when you have business associates over. I’m not going to address your concerns right now, I am willing to address them later. Right now I bring up an important issue that is of concern to me. I need you to hear me.”
Finally, when Randy’s attack did not work, he reluctantly listened to what Erin had to say. During the talk, he had difficulty acknowledging that he was doing what she was complaining about yet after their talk, he did change. Erin was appreciative of the efforts he made to change. She was more affectionate with Randy and he really liked that.
Scenario 2:
George finally understood that Mary took his concerns as an attack on her as a mother. When he brought up his concerns with her he reassured her that he thought she was a good mother and he had concerns about her trying too hard to be a good mother. At first, Mary kept attacking him but George did not shift into defending himself. He stayed on the issue he was bringing up. He did not get derailed although it was very difficult for him not to shift into defending himself or just give up. Eventually, Mary could hear his reassurance. She finally was able to consider George’s concerns. Mary did soften her stance with the children and George showed his appreciation with more affection and attention. Mary felt closer to him as a result. She also had more respect for him.
The Best Defense is a Good Offense is one of the most difficult dynamics between spouses to change. First, you have to realize what is going on. Awareness is the key to change. You cannot change what you do not know. If you are always defending yourself and your issues keep getting lost, this dynamic may be going on in your relationship.
When each spouse realizes their part in perpetuating the dynamic and takes responsibility for it, change is possible. Change yourself. Change your HOW. After an initial escalation, spouses usually respond to positive change with positive change, as long as there is goodwill in the relationship.
Couple Dynamics: The Jokester and the Serious One
Scenario:
In courtship, Gerry was always teasing Jenny in an affectionate way. He loved to kibitz around and crack jokes. At home, growing up, when things got tense he learned he could break the tension by joking. In school, being the class clown worked well too, and made him lots of friends. He loved that he could make Jenny laugh. Jenny loved it. It helped her not take herself and life so seriously. She grew up in a family that rarely laughed.
Gerry and Jenny had a lot of fun together and laughter was a big part of their relationship. After they married, when they had problems he would laugh them off. At first, it worked, but it did not solve the problems. Jenny got frustrated because she could not get him to address issues in a serious way. The more he used jokes to divert from addressing problems the more serious Jenny became. The more serious she became the more he tried to lighten things up. The more he tried to lighten things up the more serious and resentful she became. He accused her of not having a sense of humor. She accused him of being a flake. The relationship became in danger of breaking up because they had no way to resolve their differences.
Finally, when Gerry realized that he might lose Jenny he became serious. Although it was difficult for him to hang in with her through the tension and negative feelings, he was able to do it. When Jenny was able to get Gerry to resolve problems she relaxed and lightened up. This helped Gerry. Jenny realized that she could be too serious and she changed how she approached Gerry with a problem. Gerry started to bring problems to Jenny instead of laughing them off. When they learned how to be serious and solve their differences, the fun and laughter returned to their relationship.
The Joking/Serious Theme
As couples do, once living together the partners settle into the dynamics that they are going to play out with each other, often for a lifetime. The first year of living together is about sorting out this dynamic. Every couple develops their own idiosyncratic style.
There is power in the ability to influence people through laughter. People who love to joke are attracted to serious partners. They love to make them laugh. Serious Ones are attracted to Jokers because they brighten them up and make them less serious. Courtship goes well because they complement each other. The Serious One can be playful because they know the Joker has a serious side, demonstrated by the progression of the relationship through to marriage and/or living together. As long as the Joker continues to have a serious side and the Serious One does not get overly serious, the positive interactive cycle between them continues. They can develop their own unique style of resolving issues and problems that is perfect for them.
Be serious occasionally and you will laugh lots.
