Couples who interrupt each other a lot have difficulty understanding each other and solving problems. Often they end up arguing about who is right and who is wrong. The intent of the message to each other gets lost. Being right about the facts or circumstances may not do any good. [If you’re in an accident on the highway and you are killed, it does you no good to be right.]
Good communication happens when each listens to the other without correcting them and figures out what their partner is thinking, feeling, and doing/not doing, about what they are talking about. It really means putting yourself in your partner’s place and looking at the issue through their eyes. Your partner will appreciate that you’ve heard their point of view.
Normally at work, people figure out what’s at the heart of the problem before they try and fix it. They don’t want to waste time, resources and money. But in relationships, one or both partners usually jump to solutions before they know what the real problem is. Often your partner does not want a solution, he or she wants to bounce something off you or just connect with you. Other times they want to be understood and known by you on a deeper level.
Be patient, slowing down may help resolve an issue faster. Figure out what is at the heart of the issue before you suggest solutions.
Couples often analyze their partner’s feelings, opinions and behaviors. For instance, “You’re just insecure.” ” You’re just like your father.” or ” You’re just trying to get out of doing your part.” The analysis may be right, but saying so can really hurt the relationship.
Keep your analysis to yourself. If there is good will in the relationship you will probably get the change you want. If you don’t get it, maintain good will yourself and figure out ways that you can change. Change in one partner impacts upon the other, who often responds to change with change. When you make changes you don’t have to wait for your partner to make them.
Start right now improving your communication. Don’t wait for your partner. Positive efforts are likely to pay off. You will be happier because you feel good about yourself.
With care and concern,
Dr. Bea Mackay
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