Self-Esteem is a By-product of How You Treat Yourself

Everyone has a relationship with him or her self.  It is the quality of that relationship that determines the level of one’s self-esteem.

If you listen to people when they talk, you can detect whether they value themselves or not:

• I’m mad at myself for forgetting to…
• I’m pleased with myself.  I figured out how to do it on my own.
• I’m such a coward.  I can’t face…
• What do I know, I’m just a silly old woman.
• I feel really good about myself for sticking to my exercise program.
• I’m such a loser!
• I feel more confident now that I have completed my course.
• I can be hard on myself.
• I have a difficult time accepting positive feedback.

Self-esteem can also be observed in body language:

• Sue wraps her arms around herself when she’s scared.
• Jack slaps the top of his head when he’s annoyed with himself.
• Jaime soothes herself by stroking her hair.
• Andrew twists the hair on the top of his head when he is nervous.
• Sam calms himself by stroking his beard.

We are so close to ourselves that it is hard to have a clear perspective of ourselves. It is easier to see how others treat themselves than it is to be aware of how we treat ourselves.  Our relationship happens in our heads with words and images and in our bodies with sensations. Hold the palm of your hand an inch from your nose.  You can see your hand, but it is a blur. Gradually pull your hand away until your hand comes into focus. Now you can see your hand in clear detail.

This is what happens with your relationship with yourself. To be aware of the quality of your relationship with yourself, it helps to gain some perspective.  You may know that you are hard on yourself or that you feel guilty a lot of the time, but you may not realize how you make that happen inside your head.

AWARENESS IS THE KEY TO CHANGE

To increase your awareness of how you treat yourself start by noticing:

• What you say about yourself (your choice of words and the metaphors you use).
• How you say it (the tone of voice, body language).
• What images do you see?

That’s it for now, just notice.

With care and concern,
Dr. Bea