relationships
Decision-Making: The Pendulum Swing—a Battle of Sensations
What’s it like to be conflicted in a relationship?
People who are conflicted are constantly thinking about the pros and cons of leaving and the pros and cons of staying. They continually question what they think and feel. As well, most of the time they are feeling pain and distress that varies from mild to severe. They try all sorts of things to improve the relationship—reasoning, convincing, pleading, buying things, going on holidays, adapting, adjusting, individual and couple counselling, etc. Some people blame their partners and some blame themselves.
When people who are conflicted, still cannot get their needs met, they often give up and resign themselves to the relationship the way it is. To endure it, they do many things to distract from the pain and sense of powerlessness. If there are children they will focus on them. Many people turn to their children and pets for love and affection because they cannot get their needs met by their spouse. They may work longer hours, go out often with friends, or spend more time doing hobbies such as sports, gardening, chess, music, video games, and partying. They may avoid going to bed until their partner is asleep. If there is no love in the relationship they may experience grief and loss of ever finding love and happiness. They may numb the pain with affairs, gambling, drinking, and/or drugging.
The Pendulum Swing
Thinking about breaking up and breaking up are two different things. At one time, the pendulum swings toward breaking up. An unhappy spouse will think and rethink about breaking up and finally get to the point where action is required. To take the actions necessary to break up is very difficult. Taking action creates conflict and emotional pain. It evokes sensations of fear/terror. The pendulum swings back again which alleviates stress because the unpleasant uncomfortable sensations dissipate.
Most people are conflicted about staying in or ending their relationship at one time or another. Even people who remain married or in a relationship for the rest of their lives still go through natural developmental stages that bring into question whether or not to stay together. Couples that have developed a good working relationship usually can negotiate these times easily. Their relationship remains healthy and evolves to the next stage. However, couples who can’t develop a way to handle differences and resolve problems have a much more difficult time going through these stages. Their relationships are more likely to become unhealthy and get stuck at one stage or another. When relationships get stuck, one or both partners swing back and forth, like a pendulum, between staying and leaving.
PEOPLE WHO ARE CONFLICTED SEND THEIR PARTNERS MIXED MESSAGES. Confused, their partners often get upset/angry or they only hear the part of the message they want to hear and respond accordingly.
The Quality of Sensations
Emotional swings evoke swings of sensations in the body. Sometimes these sensations can be uncomfortable or painful. Where do these painful sensations come from? How do they develop? Some people call sensations ‘emotional triggers’. These painful sensations come from traumatic experiences from our childhood, our adult life, and just life in general.
One thing about life is certain—there are ups and downs, good times and bad times, highs and lows, and thrills and chills. This pendulum is mostly about unpleasant experiences, but sometimes good experiences can be overwhelming.
Personal story:
I have always wanted to be a mother. When I was 29, I gave birth to a gorgeous big baby boy, (9 lbs,, 5 oz.). I was so happy to have a baby at last. When I was home with him, he was sleeping in his bassinet. I tiptoed to see him. He was sound asleep. I felt a wave of love rise up from my tummy and into my chest. It was so strong it scared me. Yet it felt wonderful too.
Decision-Making Approaches
There are different habits people develop when handling relationships. Some use logic and compare pros and cons (left brain). Other people are impulsively driven by their sensations and emotions (right brain).
A Logical Approach to Decision-Making—Pros and Cons
Story:
A client came to see me about her intimate relationship. She had been married for 3 months. She told me how she chose her husband. She told me that she wanted a man who would never leave her. She made a checklist of attributes this man would need to have, that guaranteed he wouldn’t leave. It took her a while but she found the guy who checked off all the boxes and married him.
As she spoke to me, she looked sad and replied, “He is a great guy but there is no chemistry between us. I don’t know what to do, because I know he will never leave me.”
She was trying to control the outcome. I pointed out to her that she was terrified of being alone but was ignoring it. She lived mostly in her logical brain and ignored and minimised the information from her sensory brain. She got the outcome she intended: she would never be alone. Adage: Be careful what you wish for—you may get it.
I worked with her to reconnect with the sensory/intuitive part of herself. During this exercise, she accessed a memory of feeling abandoned and terrified. I helped her process this unhealed trauma by accessing sensations, staying with them, and breathing through the waves. I supported her as she re-experienced the terrifying sensations of abandonment, which were driving her behaviour. It took several months.
One day I got an email from her cancelling her next appointment. She told me she had met someone. She left her husband and accepted a job in Thailand with her new boyfriend. I never heard from her again. I hope things have fallen together for her.
Impulsive Approach to Decision-Making—Sensory/Feelings
Story:
A client came to see me. She was in a rage. She had thought her marriage was fine, then recently she found out her husband had sex with an ex-coworker. She said she reacted by throwing him out of their home. She told all of her family and friends about what he had done and loudly claimed that she would never forgive him.
I worked with her about feeling blindsided and deeply hurt and ashamed. Gradually things settled down and as she healed, she started to reconsider. Her husband regretted his encounter, apologized profusely, and wanted to repair the relationship.
She realized that she still loved and missed him. They started work to repair their relationship. One of the aspects she found the most difficult was facing her family and friends with her change of heart. She deeply regretted telling everyone about the incident.
Because the couple worked through things together, she found a way to let go of her hurt and their relationship evolved to a healthier level. However, she found her family and friends had a harder time letting go and continued to treat him somewhat differently.
Relationships are Good and Bad
Relationships and marriages are rarely all bad. When they are, there is no decision about whether or not to end it, it is a matter of, if it is possible, and if so, when. In very abusive relationships it may be dangerous to leave. Research shows that in such marriages a spouse is most likely to be harmed when he or she tries to leave the relationship. Children are often at risk during this time as well.
Relationships may be a ratio of 80/20% bad to good, 60/40% bad to good, or even 70/30% good to bad. When an unhappy spouse thinks of leaving, what comes to the foreground is the grief and loss about the good in the relationship that they have to give up. No one wants to give up the good stuff, or the comfortable and pleasant sensations! Especially the sensation of feeling safe. They fear that they may never find it again.
They often confuse grief and loss with love. That’s when the pendulum starts to swing the other way. As people begin to think again about staying, the sensations of grief and loss dissipate. They may continue to swing toward staying and again investing themselves in the marriage. But sometimes the difficulties in the relationship come to the foreground. They feel the pain of ongoing interactions that are painful and stressful. They start to dread certain times such as coming home and spending time together. They dread special times such as; Christmas, Thanksgiving, Valentine’s Day, and anniversaries. When it gets to be more than they can stand, the pendulum starts swinging back the other way. Back and forth.
Sometimes the pendulum goes slowly back and forth. Sometimes a particular event or interaction may trigger the pendulum to swing quickly from one side to the other.
It takes actions to change this distressful pattern—actions that invest oneself again in the relationship, and either attempt to better the relationship or tolerate it the way it is. And, it requires actions to exit.
When people take action, often their lives go into chaos. The old patterns, routines, and habits are shaken up. While shaking up a stuck relationship is required to reorganize it is extremely stressful for all involved. During this stage, many people will reconcile, not because they want the relationship, but because they want to stop the confusion, stress, fear, and emotional pain. They long for the familiar even though that is stressful too. At least they know that stress—Better the devil you know, than the devil you don’t know. The pendulum swings back again.
Couples often break up and reconcile several times before finally making the changes needed to stay together. Some people change only when the stakes are high. In a marriage break-up, the stakes can be very high. Or, before they finally break up for good.
It is very difficult to take the actions needed to stop the pendulum from swinging. There are different styles of decision-making; logical, impulsive, passive, and active. Often people making decisions will swing from one extreme to the other, sometimes for years.
Personal Story:
I know I did this for many years. In 1987, after 21 years of marriage, I decided I had enough. Yet, it took me until 1991 to finally act upon it.
Bonding Versus Love
Couples often separate and reconcile several times before they make a permanent change. Many couples separate and let go of a relationship that is full of pain and heartache. Once they have deconstructed their old relationship, they come together in a new way that works for them both. Often, an actual separation is needed to fully let go of the old ways of being with each other.
Other couples reconcile because the sensations of being alone are too painful and scary. They reconcile, but they do not change. They pick up where they left off and go through another one or two cycles of reconciliation/breakup before the final separation.
BONDING CREATES STRONGER RELATIONSHIPS. COUPLES AND FAMILIES THAT HAVE A STRONG BOND, ARE MORE LIKELY TO SURVIVE BETTER.
People confuse love with bonding. Bonding does not equal love. Bonding occurs from spending time with each other, sharing a space/a home and their bodies as well as doing activities with another person/people and families. People bond in hate as well as love.
As I mentioned previously, few relationships are all bad. Even if there is only 10% good we still have to give up the good, as well as the bad. Often couples do not realise this, and they are not prepared for it when they separate. It is important to grieve the loss of positive caring, comfort of familiarity, and love that there is still there. People often state they love their partner like a family member but no longer have romantic/sexual feelings for their partner.
Usually, when partners separate they miss their partners because they are bonded, but they do not realise it. They will reconcile thinking they will try again, only to discover that the relationship has run its course. Then they separate permanently.
Managing Versus Processing
Unhealthy people manage painful sensations by blocking, distracting, minimising, drinking/drugging, etc. This prevents emotional healing and the painful sensations accumulate requiring more personal energy.
Healthy people breathe through the painful sensations; they breathe through the waves of the sensations which ultimately create new neural pathways that transcend the painful ones, precipitating new/different sensations.
When you experience creating new neural pathways, through insight, dreams, or just by breathing through the sensations, new sensations are precipitated and when you feel different you act differently.
When you let go of the outcome, things can ‘fall together’ in ways they cannot when you’re trying to control it.
What are we trying to control? We are usually trying to avoid feeling painful, unpleasant, terrifying feelings. But, it is not the feelings we’re trying to avoid, it’s the difficult sensations we are trying to avoid experiencing.
When people realise they can handle difficult feelings/sensations by breathing through them (processing them) instead of deflecting, blocking, and disconnecting from them, they can change in positive, healthy ways. They do what they want to do, and not do what they don’t want to do.
We have all experienced this kind of discomfort—starting at a new school, starting a new job, and moving into a new dwelling. At first, we experience discomfort and perhaps discombobulation. As we get used to it, we develop more and more neural pathways for the new experience, and gradually (sometimes quickly) we become comfortable with the change.
Personal Story:
I loved Vancouver from the first time I, age 22, set foot off the train at the Terminal Station. It was new and different but excitingly different. I welcomed it! It did not take long for me to feel “at home” in this strange, beautiful city.
How did we do that—feel at home? We often have no choice about it, or we choose to make the change, so we accept the discomfort, probably by breathing through the sensations and dreams at night, knowing it will get better. This means we already know how to do it. We need to transfer this skill set to other decisions in life. Thinking about leaving a relationship or a job is one thing, and taking action to do it is another.
Trauma
It is usually the unpleasant sensations that cause us problems in our lives. Trauma, per se, is a problem for sure. When we go through difficult experiences and have healed from them physically and emotionally, we are wiser for having overcome the difficulties. The experience makes us emotionally stronger. It gives us a sense of agency—a sense that we are capable of taking care of ourselves (and others). Once we have faced and processed difficult sensations, we know we can handle them if they ever happen again. This creates a sense that we can do what we want to do and not do what we do not want to do.
Panic Attacks:
A situation (real or imagined) in which you feel terrified, you experience sensations of fear so strong you fear you might die, have a heart attack, heartbreak, or destroy your life somehow or some way.
Once you have experienced a panic attack the sensations are so awful you never want to experience it again. So you try to avoid any situation, in which you might have one or even a lesser version of the sensations. This is trying to control the outcome (i.e., avoiding or stopping the feeling of terrifying dreadful sensations).
The problems stem from unhealed trauma that goes underground into our subconscious and festers there recreating variations of the original trauma. Mostly, these memories are hidden behind a protective screen of our psyche. What happens, is the person becomes developmentally and emotionally arrested at the age of the trauma. It is a survival mechanism to help our organism survive overwhelming, actual or witnessed events (e.g., a child gets scalded by hot soup on a stove, or a soldier witnessing atrocities while powerless to stop them).
Story:
A woman (age 35) came to see me. Her presenting problem was she wanted to have a family but she was unable to decide which man she wanted to have the family with. She had been married for 15 years, and for 12 of those years, she’d been having an affair. She said she’d tried to leave her husband but had not been able to and she’d tried to terminate her relationship with her lover and had failed. She said, “I don’t know why I’m doing this—it’s against my standards and values. Can you help me?”
I recommended that we explore her history. When doing this, she recalled for the first time, a memory.
She was 3 years old and attending the funeral of her 5-year-old sister. Her father had accidentally run over her when he was backing out of the driveway. She was aware of two big people on either side of her as she looked across the gravesite and saw the pain on her daddy’s face.
Somehow (I do not know how a brain can do this) this 3-year-old decided not to have children because it would be too painful if you lose them. It would not have been in a clear cognitive structure—this decision would be coded in painful difficult sensations.
Once we discovered the unhealed trauma, it helped her understand the function of her affair, what it was helping avoid made a crazy kind of sense to her. We targeted the painful sensations and healed her from the original event.
Big changes happened. She left her husband. Went off with her lover. That didn’t work out. Then reconciled with her husband, and the last time I saw her she was 8 months pregnant with a big smile on her face.
People who are stuck in their lives usually have unhealed trauma from an earlier time.
Therapy involves recovering the memories of trauma, if possible, and revisiting and healing them. What happens is that the part of their (emotional ) psyche that has been frozen in time and place, grows emotionally older until it reaches their current chronological age. The person no longer feels like or acts like a 3-year-old.
What to do differently?
- Embrace uncomfortable unpleasant sensations by breathing through them as they course in waves in your body. You will not die from them when you embrace them, although you may feel like you’re going to die.Avoid analysing or asking yourself why, who, when, what, and how—it no longer matters. It does not matter if they are real or irrational. What matters is that, in the here and now, you are feeling these difficult sensations. Just stay with them—breathe through them for as long as it takes. It may be a few minutes, hours, or days.See B’s book Let Go of the Outcome and Let Things Fall Together. Bea shares her story of how she handled a panic attack (page 1).
- Use comforting slogans to help you through the pain/terror.
Personal Story:
I remember after my divorce, when I first was on my own, sitting in my new home, that I was feeling so much psychological pain. I said to myself, “How can the world go on in its everyday way when I am in so much pain?” I know that is grandiose, but that is what I felt at that moment in time. I was ok with the break-up of my marriage, but I was in a lot of pain about the break-up of our family. This phrase helped me get through it.
“This too shall pass”.
When we feel different, we behave differently.
—Dr. Bea
For more information about processing emotions, see Bea’s book “Let Go of the Outcome and Let Things Fall Together”. https://beainbalance.com/book
Relationship Communication Skills: Put the Inside Outside
Put the Inside Outside is another communication skill that I teach clients in both individual and couples sessions.
When people talk to each other they often think thoughts or have feelings that they do not reveal to others. Most of the time this is perfectly OK. It certainly would not be appropriate to say everything one is thinking or feeling. Yet often, when more information is given there are fewer misunderstandings and a greater connection.
It can be as simple as letting others know you are feeling pressured for time. In a session with a client(s) if I’m running late, I often start to speak faster and may interrupt my clients, especially when working with couples. When I notice myself doing that I will say to clients, “The session is almost over and I’m feeling pressured for time to complete what we’re doing.” This helps them understand what is going on with me and lets them know that I’m not impatient with them. They experience how it feels to be informed and usually want to cooperate. I am also teaching them the skill of Put the Inside Outside by modeling it.
When working with couples I often find that partners do not let each other know what is going on inside of them, positive or negative. They do not give each other feedback. It leaves each partner guessing and hoping that the impact of what they said is what they meant.
Example: In a couples session.
Wife to husband, “I appreciate how you help with the kids when you get home.”
Husband, “Well I always do that.”
Dr. Bea, ” Your wife just told you something that she appreciated about you. What was that like?”
Husband, “What do you mean?”
Dr. Bea, “Well, did you like her telling you that?”
Husband, “Yeah, it felt good.”
Dr. Bea, “Let her know.”
Husband to wife, “It felt good to hear you appreciate what I do.”
Dr. Bea to wife, “What was it like to hear that from him.”
Wife, “It felt really good.”
We all laugh.
Often it is the simple things that people communicate to each other that can make a big difference in their communication and their connection with each other.
With care and concern,
Dr. Bea Mackay
What Everyone Should Know about Anger—Part One
Anger is usually a secondary feeling.
Scenario: James watched as his son, a talented goalie, let in a goal that lost the game. Exasperated he let out a cry of disgust. As James and his son walked away from the hockey rink, James berated him for not trying hard enough. His discouraged son emphatically tried to convince him that he had tried as hard as he could—to no avail. Both felt bad.
Underlying the anger there is another feeling—a vulnerable feeling—that acts like an engine fueling the anger and driving the behavior. Any vulnerable feeling can fuel anger. Some people get angry when they feel hurt. Some people get angry when they feel threatened. Anyone can get angry when they feel out of control. Some people get angry when they feel pressured. Most people get irritable when they are hungry or tired. There are many vulnerable feelings: abandoned, put down, shamed, embarrassed, exposed, challenged, disappointed, hopeless, controlled, rejected, blocked, misunderstood, and more. In James’ case, underneath his anger was disappointed. When his son did well, he felt proud and important, almost as if he’d achieved it himself. He enjoyed the compliments from coaches and other parents. When his son did not do well, he felt like a failure. He hated feeling like a failure so he shifted into anger and got on his son’s case. Vulnerable feelings can range from slight to extreme. No one likes to feel vulnerable so most people behave in ways that attempt to avoid or deflect from the feeling. They may get busy talking about something else; they may focus on a task; they may worry about aches or pains they have or they may get angry. Why get angry? When people shift into anger they stop feeling the vulnerable feeling. It does not go away; it just goes into the background. Feeling angry is better than feeling humiliated, rejected, or some other vulnerable feeling. When people feel angry, they feel powerful, not vulnerable. With anger, it may be possible to change what is going on.
Anger has a purpose.
When people get angry it helps them make happen what they want to happen or to prevent or stop happening what they do not want to happen. James needed his son to do well so that he felt good about himself. He got angry at his son to pressure him into trying harder. Most children feel uncomfortable when their parents are angry so they try to do whatever it is that will stop the anger, whether it is good for them or not. They become more focused on what their parents are feeling than on the activity. That makes it harder for them to do well. What could James do to achieve his goals? First of all, James needs to be aware that he feels disappointed. He probably shifts into anger so quickly that he does not even realize it. Secondly, he needs to realize that his disappointment is about himself, not his son; he is trying to get his needs met vicariously through his son’s efforts and abilities.
Once he is aware, he can…
- Do things in his own life to achieve a sense of accomplishment and importance.
- Give his son positive feedback about what he is doing well so his son stays focused on the sport. Then his son is more likely to enjoy the activity and perform at his best. Result? Both feel good—his son feels good about himself, and James feels good about himself and his parenting. When parents figure out the engine (vulnerable feeling) driving their anger, they have more choices. They may continue to handle situations in the same way or they may find more effective ways, without getting angry, that are positive for everyone concerned.
Explore the feelings underlying your anger. What did you feel just before you got angry?
What is the purpose of your anger? Is there a better way to achieve it than getting angry?
With care and concern,
Dr. Bea
What to Do When Your Partner Doesn’t Listen to Reason
Partners who are both reasonable are likely to get along well. They are not likely to need couples counseling, or if they do, it may be their mutual reasoning that guides them to seek counseling. They collaborate and feel good about each other as a result.
However, there are many couples in which one partner is reasonable and the other is not. I see them in my practice. The reasonable one continues to reason even though reasoning does not work. The unreasonable one continues to do (or not do) what they want. The relationship deteriorates. Intimacy suffers.
But it does not mean that the couple should not be together. It means they need to work differently.
Scenario 1:
Barbara noticed the railing was loose on the balcony of their home. She brought it to the attention of her husband, Drew. He was busy with work and said it was OK. Barbara knew he was busy and gave him some time. She was concerned though that someone could get hurt if the railing gave way. She kept bringing it to his attention, reasoning with him that someone could get hurt and they could be liable. Barbara had to be vigilant that the children and visitors stayed away from the railing. Drew said she was overreacting.
Scenario 2:
Brian kept track of the finances. He noticed that his wife’s spending was exceeding their budget and he complained to her about it. He reasoned with her that if overspending continued, they would get into serious financial difficulties. Cindy heard his words yet continued to overspend, justifying her purchases or hiding them from Brian. He felt out of control about their debt and pulled away from Cindy, spending more time with his family.
Couples tend to do the same thing over and over with each other even though it does not work. If they did the same thing at work they would get seriously reprimanded or even fired. But many couples frustrate each other by playing out the same dynamic repeatedly.
What is the function of unreasonableness? Why would a spouse be unreasonable?
To be reasonable is to be open to change. Unreasonable people do not want to change. By not being open to reason they can continue to do what they want and not do what they do not want to do. Also, being reasonable increases intimacy, which some people have difficulty handling even though they want it.
When reasoning does not work, shift to strategies.
Reasoning is a good way to start out addressing an issue with your partner. If they respond positively, great, you can work through the problem. If they respond in the same old way, then shift to strategies.
Consequences effect change. How to achieve change is to figure out a strategy that has consequences built into it.
Scenario 1:
Without anger and in a matter-of-fact tone Barbara told Brian that she was going to give him until the end of the month to fix the railing. If it was not done by then she was going to hire someone to repair it. When the end of the month came and the railing was still not fixed, Barbara got a couple of estimates to have the railing repaired. She showed the estimates to Drew. She told him she was going to choose one of them and get the railing fixed. When Drew realized that she was serious about getting the railing repaired, he found time to fix it himself. He wanted to do it himself to be sure it was done right. Barbara offered her help and did what she could to make it happen. They had fun doing it together and each was pleased once it was done. They felt warm toward each other.
Scenario 2:
Brian realized that the reasoning with Cindy was having no effect. He consulted with someone at the bank about possible changes he could make. Without anger and in a matter-of-fact manner he told her that he was concerned about their financial situation and because he cared about their relationship, he was going to take steps to bring the finances under control. He gave her a time frame of two months and said if she continued to overspend he would put all of their credit cards in the bank safety deposit box and they would operate with cash only. After two months it was clear that Cindy still was overspending so Brian followed through and put the cards away. This forced Cindy to deal with the reality of the situation. When talking it through, an underlying problem came to light—Cindy was resentful of all the time Brian spent with his family. They then addressed directly the issue of spending time together.
HOW you handle the shift from reasoning to planning and carrying out strategies is critical to making the change successful and relationship-enhancing. If you want to show your spouse who is in control or you want to teach your spouse a lesson, then expect a negative response to even the best strategy you could offer. Resentful spouses tend to sabotage even when they know they will hurt themselves.
If you proceed with goodwill and with the intent to make life for all better, strategies have a very good chance of working. Because your partner knows you’re doing it out of caring for him or her (and the family), they tend to cooperate and collaborate. Intimacy grows.
With Care and Concern,
Dr. Bea
