self-awareness
Can I Please Have Another Helping of Self-Esteem? Understanding Self-Esteem and How It Develops
People tend to think of self-esteem almost as if it is a product you can buy. Perhaps it is because of all the advertising which shows people smiling and feeling good when they use the products. Or, they think of it as a condition, like needing more iron in their diet or getting more rest.
Self-esteem is the result or outcome of one’s relationship with one’s self. It is a by-product of how a person treats him or herself.
How do people develop a relationship with self?
Children are not born having a relationship with self. It starts with their relationship with others. Parents do things to them and with them. Babies and toddlers respond and react to how they are handled and cared for. Over time they develop a relationship with self from how they are treated by others. The quality of those interactions is a major factor in determining the quality of relationships a child develops with himself.
Children are not born loving themselves. They learn they are loveable (or not) by the experiences of being loved by those who look after them. At first, love comes externally. If they feel loveable, over time children internalize the love they experience and in this way, they learn to love themselves.
How do children determine whether they are loved and valued or not?
Scenario:
Billy knew he was loved. As a baby, his mother’s eyes lit up when she saw him. She talked to him a lot. She was always affectionate with him and took very good care of him.
His father smiled at him frequently. He spent time with him: playing roughhousing, sports, and games. He taught him many things about the world and the way it worked. If Billy had any questions or problems, he knew he could always go to either parent. They stood up for him whenever they thought he needed support and gave him constant guidance. His parents did not have much money, yet they created a safe fun environment.
Billy felt loved, valued, understood, protected, and accepted. He felt cherished, just because he existed. He felt he belonged in his family. He felt good about himself, and confident in himself and his abilities. To him, the world was an amazing place.
Scenario 2:
Sammy was not sure if he was loved or not. He had a sad mother. She took care of him, but she rarely smiled at him. She often did not look at him directly as she cared for him. She was impatient, yelling a lot. She was seldom affectionate, and she seemed to resent the time she spent with him. She read a lot. Sometimes she was okay, even telling him she loved him. But Sammy did not feel loved.
Dad was away half the time, and when he was home he was tired and distracted. He did not have time or energy for Sammy. When he heard his parents arguing, it was always about him. He felt like it was his fault, that he was bad, but he wasn’t sure how. The family had money, and it seemed to Sammy that money was what mattered, not him.
Sammy did not feel loved or valued. He felt he was a burden on his mother and father. He tried to be as good as he could to please his parents, but it rarely worked. He didn’t feel he belonged to this family, more like he was visiting and it would soon end. He did not feel good about himself. He was unsure of how to be and how to act. The world was a scary place that he had to figure out on his own.
Each child comes to conclusions about themselves from their experiences of interactions with parents and others in their childhood. These conclusions may be accurate or inaccurate. Children do not even realize they come to conclusions; they are just living their lives. Some adults report specific memories of decisions they deliberately made as young children. But most of the time, these conclusions are made without realizing it, get buried in the subconscious, and operate out of awareness.
When a child has felt loved, valued, and connected to the significant people in his life, he is more likely to love and value himself, that is, he is more likely to have high self-esteem. Conversely, when a child experiences a lack of love and belonging, he is less likely to love and value himself, that is, he is more likely to have low self-esteem.
With care and concern,
Dr. Bea
Anything that Can Be Done, Can Be Overdone
How to Stop Your Good Intentions from Going Bad
You can love too much. You can be too generous. You can be too helpful. You can try too hard. You can be too responsible. You can be too kind. You can work too much. You can be too considerate. You can give too much. You can be too loyal. You can be too truthful. You can over-function. You can compromise too much. You can be too affectionate. You can sacrifice too much. And more. There are books written about this problem, Too Good for Your Own Good by Claudio Bebko and Jo-Ann Krestan, and Too Nice for Your Own Good by Duke Robinson.
All of these behaviors are positive—loving, generous, trying, responsible, kind, working, considerate, giving, loyal, truthful, affectionate, etc. There is a continuum along which these ways of being can be carried out and be positive- up to a point! Beyond that point they are counterproductive. Loving someone too much can be smothering and stifling for the loved one. Working too much can make you sick and less effective. Giving too much can make others feel obligated or uncomfortable in other ways. Being too truthful can impact relationships in negative ways. Helping too much can make others do less for themselves—it’s called enabling.
No manual tells you where that point is—that point where what you’re doing turns from positive to ineffectual, or even harmful. To find that point you need to…
Pay attention to how your behavior/attitude impacts others.
Mary’s daughter Melissa was shy, so Mary would help her by doing things for her that Melissa couldn’t or wouldn’t do for herself. Mary would talk to her teacher for her; she would phone her friends’ mothers to arrange playdates for her; she would talk to her friends for her; she would shop for her and take back items to the store for her; she would lie for her saying Melissa was sick when she wasn’t.
Mary saw her daughter withdrawing more and more. She realized that what she was doing was making Melissa’s shyness worse. So, Mary changed what she was doing. She stopped doing things for her and started expressing her belief that Melissa could do things herself even though it was difficult. Sometimes Mary would role-play how to handle situations and then let Melissa handle them, (or not handle them) herself. Melissa was angry with her mother for not doing things for her anymore. Mary found it hard to handle the pain of watching her daughter struggle. She did not like Melissa to be mad at her; she missed their close relationship.
Gradually, Melissa’s desire to fit in and belong motivated her to try things herself. As she learned how to do things and got more practice doing them, she felt better about herself. Her increased confidence helped her to attempt more things. Even though she was angry with her mother, on some level she knew that what her mother was doing was in her own best interests.
If what you intend to make happen is not happening, either stop doing it or change what you are doing so it does happen.
With care and concern,
Dr. Bea
There is a Type of Selfishness That is Healthy
It’s all about me, not you.
One way to be selfish is to think only about yourself and not care about others. You do what you want to do and not do what you don’t want to do. You stand up for yourself and to heck with others. You take care of yourself. You go where you want. You are number one and everyone else comes after you. You don’t care who is inconvenienced by your wants and needs. You don’t care who is hurt, troubled, or made sick by your actions. You don’t consider others as you go about taking care of you, unless of course, they can be useful to you. This is unhealthy selfishness.
It’s about me, and I consider you too.
Healthy selfishness is taking care of yourself and considering other people as you do so. You do what you want and don’t do what you don’t want, considering others while you do so. You stand up for yourself in such a way that is respectful of others. You hold your own with others in firm diplomatic ways. You keep clear boundaries between you and others respectfully. You collaborate with others so they get what they want too.
It is important to look after yourself. When you travel on an airplane the flight attendants say, “If the oxygen masks drop down, parents are to put on their masks before they help their children.” In other words, parents can best help their children if they take care of themselves first. If you want to take care of others take good care of yourself first, and you will be better able to do so.
When people are selfish and don’t consider others there is a negative ripple effect outward that impacts everyone around them. When you are selfish in a healthy way, however, there is a positive ripple effect outward from yourself to others. You have a positive impact on everyone around you, close family, friends, neighbours, co-workers, acquaintances, and strangers. Others are more likely to be positive in response. It’s a win-win situation.
It’s not at all about me, only you.
Selflessness is about losing oneself by making others a priority. Selfless people do not take care of themselves. They neglect themselves by always thinking of others and what they can do for them, what they can give them. They sacrifice their time, energy, hopes, and dreams so others can have what they want. Selfless people often get sick because they don’t take care of themselves. Selfless people often become resentful because they sacrifice so much for others and others do not reciprocate.
Take care of yourself,
Dr. Bea
Minimizing Your Troubles Can Be Harmful to Your Health
It’s easy to minimize what is troubling you. Just look at the news and you see the current disaster(s) that has happened. You see and hear about people who have lost their homes, lost members of their families, or are recovering from injuries from serious accidents.
You can always find someone worse off than you.
Let’s say that you and a friend are in a car accident and you are both injured. Your friend has two broken arms and two broken legs. You have a dislocated index finger. She is much worse off than you are. Of course, your friend will get treatment for her injuries. But that does not mean you are not in pain. That does not mean you do not get treatment. If you do not get treatment your index finger will continue to bother you, causing you pain and discomfort. It will not heal properly and will hamper your ability to use your hand for a lifetime.
People often dismiss what is bothering them. They tell themselves that they should not let such small troubles bother them because other people are worse off. This is effective when people truly let go. Then their vulnerable feelings dissipate. However, it is more common for people to ignore their feelings, pushing them to the back of their minds. The feelings do not dissipate; they are parked somewhere in the brain.
As life goes on and more of these times happen, more vulnerable feelings build up in the brain like a stack of coins piling up. Each situation by itself is not a big deal. But when circumstances do not change and feelings accumulate, little things grow into bigger things. One day, a small event happens, and the reaction to it is over the top. Others do not see the stacking up of the smaller events; they only see the overreaction to the one small event. They judge. They criticize. They blame.
Example:
Randy and Paula had planned a getaway weekend. Randy had been looking forward to getting away. He needed the break from the project he was working on at work. Paula became sick and they had to cancel. He brushed off his disappointment because, after all, it wasn’t anyone’s fault. There was nothing that could be done about it. He looked after Paula throughout the weekend.
On Monday, when he got back to work, he still could not get the project to go the way he wanted. By Tuesday he was frustrated and disappointed. He blew up at one of his co-workers. The co-worker felt blindsided by the intensity of Randy’s anger and refused to work with him.
People fear that if they allow themselves to feel their feelings, they will get worse. The opposite is true. When people allow themselves to feel what they feel, they recover quickly—much more quickly than if they suppress their feelings. Then no backlog of feelings can cause problems later, perhaps when you least expect it.
You are entitled to feel what you feel. It is healthy to feel what you feel. What is is. If you are sad, feel sad. If you are hurt, feel hurt. If you are lonely, feel lonely. Breathe through your feelings.
Allowing yourself to feel what you feel often leads to appropriate action.
With care and concern,
Dr. Bea Mackay
