self-love
How Early Experience Shapes One’s Relationship With One’s Self
Children need their parents’ love, attention, acceptance, and guidance as a plant needs water. If they do not get it growing up, as an adult they may spend their whole lives trying to get it from their parents. They may also try to get it from bosses, friends, teachers, coaches, and neighbours as well.
Children tend to treat themselves how they are treated by their parents. If both parents treat them well, children are likely to internalize this style and treat themselves well. This is also true if their parents treated them badly; they are likely to internalize that style and treat themselves badly. Children’s self-esteem is also affected by how their parents treat each other.
It’s not that simple though. Families are complicated. There are so many factors influencing children’s self-esteem as they grow: birth order, extended family, religious affiliations, talents, energy level, school, and others. Sometimes parents and grandparents (even other family members and teachers) prefer one gender to another. Perhaps one parent prefers boys and the other prefers girls. How people treat each gender impacts the children’s self-esteem positively or negatively. Witnessing one’s siblings being favored or unflavored also influences his or her self-esteem.
My father was the eldest of 10. I don’t know why, but he did not like boys. Growing up I was unaware of this, so I did not notice how he treated my brothers. Perhaps it was because my father had 7 brothers and 2 sisters. I was lucky. I was born a girl in this family. I felt adored by my father and I enjoyed his attention. I liked being a girl.
It is common knowledge that parents, who treat their children badly, harm their children’s self-esteem. It is also possible to harm a child’s self-esteem by excessive and undeserved praise.
Scenario:
From the time Cercy was born, she was praised excessively by both parents, but mostly her mother. Her self-esteem was extremely high. She thought she was marvellous in every way. When she went to school, she got a reality check. She was not nearly as competent and capable as she had been led to believe. It shook her confidence to the core. She began to doubt herself. She would dismiss praise or any positive feedback she received.
At the core of self-esteem is one’s relationship to one’s self. What a child experience in their family of origin, extended family, neighbourhood, school, and other childhood experiences, heavily influences how a child treats themselves.
This pattern, established in childhood, goes into the subconscious and operates out of awareness. When the relationship with self is positive, no problem is created so it may work well for a lifetime. If it’s not, it needs to be revised.
With care and concern,
Dr. Bea
Can I Please Have Another Helping of Self-Esteem? Understanding Self-Esteem and How It Develops
People tend to think of self-esteem almost as if it is a product you can buy. Perhaps it is because of all the advertising which shows people smiling and feeling good when they use the products. Or, they think of it as a condition, like needing more iron in their diet or getting more rest.
Self-esteem is the result or outcome of one’s relationship with one’s self. It is a by-product of how a person treats him or herself.
How do people develop a relationship with self?
Children are not born having a relationship with self. It starts with their relationship with others. Parents do things to them and with them. Babies and toddlers respond and react to how they are handled and cared for. Over time they develop a relationship with self from how they are treated by others. The quality of those interactions is a major factor in determining the quality of relationships a child develops with himself.
Children are not born loving themselves. They learn they are loveable (or not) by the experiences of being loved by those who look after them. At first, love comes externally. If they feel loveable, over time children internalize the love they experience and in this way, they learn to love themselves.
How do children determine whether they are loved and valued or not?
Scenario:
Billy knew he was loved. As a baby, his mother’s eyes lit up when she saw him. She talked to him a lot. She was always affectionate with him and took very good care of him.
His father smiled at him frequently. He spent time with him: playing roughhousing, sports, and games. He taught him many things about the world and the way it worked. If Billy had any questions or problems, he knew he could always go to either parent. They stood up for him whenever they thought he needed support and gave him constant guidance. His parents did not have much money, yet they created a safe fun environment.
Billy felt loved, valued, understood, protected, and accepted. He felt cherished, just because he existed. He felt he belonged in his family. He felt good about himself, and confident in himself and his abilities. To him, the world was an amazing place.
Scenario 2:
Sammy was not sure if he was loved or not. He had a sad mother. She took care of him, but she rarely smiled at him. She often did not look at him directly as she cared for him. She was impatient, yelling a lot. She was seldom affectionate, and she seemed to resent the time she spent with him. She read a lot. Sometimes she was okay, even telling him she loved him. But Sammy did not feel loved.
Dad was away half the time, and when he was home he was tired and distracted. He did not have time or energy for Sammy. When he heard his parents arguing, it was always about him. He felt like it was his fault, that he was bad, but he wasn’t sure how. The family had money, and it seemed to Sammy that money was what mattered, not him.
Sammy did not feel loved or valued. He felt he was a burden on his mother and father. He tried to be as good as he could to please his parents, but it rarely worked. He didn’t feel he belonged to this family, more like he was visiting and it would soon end. He did not feel good about himself. He was unsure of how to be and how to act. The world was a scary place that he had to figure out on his own.
Each child comes to conclusions about themselves from their experiences of interactions with parents and others in their childhood. These conclusions may be accurate or inaccurate. Children do not even realize they come to conclusions; they are just living their lives. Some adults report specific memories of decisions they deliberately made as young children. But most of the time, these conclusions are made without realizing it, get buried in the subconscious, and operate out of awareness.
When a child has felt loved, valued, and connected to the significant people in his life, he is more likely to love and value himself, that is, he is more likely to have high self-esteem. Conversely, when a child experiences a lack of love and belonging, he is less likely to love and value himself, that is, he is more likely to have low self-esteem.
With care and concern,
Dr. Bea
There is a Type of Selfishness That is Healthy
It’s all about me, not you.
One way to be selfish is to think only about yourself and not care about others. You do what you want to do and not do what you don’t want to do. You stand up for yourself and to heck with others. You take care of yourself. You go where you want. You are number one and everyone else comes after you. You don’t care who is inconvenienced by your wants and needs. You don’t care who is hurt, troubled, or made sick by your actions. You don’t consider others as you go about taking care of you, unless of course, they can be useful to you. This is unhealthy selfishness.
It’s about me, and I consider you too.
Healthy selfishness is taking care of yourself and considering other people as you do so. You do what you want and don’t do what you don’t want, considering others while you do so. You stand up for yourself in such a way that is respectful of others. You hold your own with others in firm diplomatic ways. You keep clear boundaries between you and others respectfully. You collaborate with others so they get what they want too.
It is important to look after yourself. When you travel on an airplane the flight attendants say, “If the oxygen masks drop down, parents are to put on their masks before they help their children.” In other words, parents can best help their children if they take care of themselves first. If you want to take care of others take good care of yourself first, and you will be better able to do so.
When people are selfish and don’t consider others there is a negative ripple effect outward that impacts everyone around them. When you are selfish in a healthy way, however, there is a positive ripple effect outward from yourself to others. You have a positive impact on everyone around you, close family, friends, neighbours, co-workers, acquaintances, and strangers. Others are more likely to be positive in response. It’s a win-win situation.
It’s not at all about me, only you.
Selflessness is about losing oneself by making others a priority. Selfless people do not take care of themselves. They neglect themselves by always thinking of others and what they can do for them, what they can give them. They sacrifice their time, energy, hopes, and dreams so others can have what they want. Selfless people often get sick because they don’t take care of themselves. Selfless people often become resentful because they sacrifice so much for others and others do not reciprocate.
Take care of yourself,
Dr. Bea
