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Relationship Communication Skills: Put the Inside Outside
Put the Inside Outside is another communication skill that I teach clients in both individual and couples sessions.
When people talk to each other they often think thoughts or have feelings that they do not reveal to others. Most of the time this is perfectly OK. It certainly would not be appropriate to say everything one is thinking or feeling. Yet often, when more information is given there are fewer misunderstandings and a greater connection.
It can be as simple as letting others know you are feeling pressured for time. In a session with a client(s) if I’m running late, I often start to speak faster and may interrupt my clients, especially when working with couples. When I notice myself doing that I will say to clients, “The session is almost over and I’m feeling pressured for time to complete what we’re doing.” This helps them understand what is going on with me and lets them know that I’m not impatient with them. They experience how it feels to be informed and usually want to cooperate. I am also teaching them the skill of Put the Inside Outside by modeling it.
When working with couples I often find that partners do not let each other know what is going on inside of them, positive or negative. They do not give each other feedback. It leaves each partner guessing and hoping that the impact of what they said is what they meant.
Example: In a couples session.
Wife to husband, “I appreciate how you help with the kids when you get home.”
Husband, “Well I always do that.”
Dr. Bea, ” Your wife just told you something that she appreciated about you. What was that like?”
Husband, “What do you mean?”
Dr. Bea, “Well, did you like her telling you that?”
Husband, “Yeah, it felt good.”
Dr. Bea, “Let her know.”
Husband to wife, “It felt good to hear you appreciate what I do.”
Dr. Bea to wife, “What was it like to hear that from him.”
Wife, “It felt really good.”
We all laugh.
Often it is the simple things that people communicate to each other that can make a big difference in their communication and their connection with each other.
With care and concern,
Dr. Bea Mackay
Relationship Communication Skills: After the Fact
The After the Fact communication skill is one of the many communication skills that I teach my clients. It is a very useful skill that facilitates connection between partners.
Many clients tell me that during a discussion, argument, or fight they often cannot think of what to say in the moment but then later, they come up with what they could have or should have said. They find this very frustrating.
For some reason, spouses often think if they miss out on saying or doing something at the moment that nothing can be done. So they do nothing. Often they stew or ruminate about it but it does not occur to them that they could remedy the situation.
It is not always possible to think of what to say or do at the moment. Sometimes people are distracted by something or someone else. When people are anxious they often cannot think, so they say or do nothing. Or, they may blurt out something they don’t mean or something that is not even relevant. Sometimes people laugh in situations like this and the laughter is misunderstood.
In ongoing relationships, it is always possible to bring up an issue later. Later can be minutes, hours, days, or even years. This keeps the lines of communication open and strengthens the connection between couples.
Examples:
A while ago you said…to me. I was surprised and didn’t know what to say. Well, now that I’ve had a chance to think about it I…
You know yesterday when we were talking about…I kind of blurted out…I didn’t mean it. What I wished I’d said to you was…
I’ve been thinking about what we talked about last week, you know, about…I want to add…and let you know it’s important to me that…
It’s been a month since we had that fight about…It is still bothering me. Let’s talk about it again.
When we married (10 years ago) you said you never wanted to…I want to know if that is still true for you.
When people use the After the Fact communication skill frequently, the time between the incident and the delayed communication tends to shorten. Gradually, the time becomes so short that partners are better able to think of what they want to say or do what they want to do at the moment. It’s not essential to occur in the moment, After the Fact is just fine.
The After the Fact skill is extremely helpful to keep a couple emotionally connected with positive feedback and behaviors.
Examples:
I had a good time last night. (One partner to another about making love.)
You know, last week when we went to the concert I was so focused on getting there on time I didn’t tell you how great you looked.
The last time my parents were over you treated them well. I appreciate how welcome you made them feel.
While the After the Fact communication skill is really helpful for couples, it is also helpful in many other situations as well – parenting, work, and social interactions.
With care and concern,
Dr. Bea Mackay
Can I Please Have Another Helping of Self-Esteem? Understanding Self-Esteem and How It Develops
People tend to think of self-esteem almost as if it is a product you can buy. Perhaps it is because of all the advertising which shows people smiling and feeling good when they use the products. Or, they think of it as a condition, like needing more iron in their diet or getting more rest.
Self-esteem is the result or outcome of one’s relationship with one’s self. It is a by-product of how a person treats him or herself.
How do people develop a relationship with self?
Children are not born having a relationship with self. It starts with their relationship with others. Parents do things to them and with them. Babies and toddlers respond and react to how they are handled and cared for. Over time they develop a relationship with self from how they are treated by others. The quality of those interactions is a major factor in determining the quality of relationships a child develops with himself.
Children are not born loving themselves. They learn they are loveable (or not) by the experiences of being loved by those who look after them. At first, love comes externally. If they feel loveable, over time children internalize the love they experience and in this way, they learn to love themselves.
How do children determine whether they are loved and valued or not?
Scenario:
Billy knew he was loved. As a baby, his mother’s eyes lit up when she saw him. She talked to him a lot. She was always affectionate with him and took very good care of him.
His father smiled at him frequently. He spent time with him: playing roughhousing, sports, and games. He taught him many things about the world and the way it worked. If Billy had any questions or problems, he knew he could always go to either parent. They stood up for him whenever they thought he needed support and gave him constant guidance. His parents did not have much money, yet they created a safe fun environment.
Billy felt loved, valued, understood, protected, and accepted. He felt cherished, just because he existed. He felt he belonged in his family. He felt good about himself, and confident in himself and his abilities. To him, the world was an amazing place.
Scenario 2:
Sammy was not sure if he was loved or not. He had a sad mother. She took care of him, but she rarely smiled at him. She often did not look at him directly as she cared for him. She was impatient, yelling a lot. She was seldom affectionate, and she seemed to resent the time she spent with him. She read a lot. Sometimes she was okay, even telling him she loved him. But Sammy did not feel loved.
Dad was away half the time, and when he was home he was tired and distracted. He did not have time or energy for Sammy. When he heard his parents arguing, it was always about him. He felt like it was his fault, that he was bad, but he wasn’t sure how. The family had money, and it seemed to Sammy that money was what mattered, not him.
Sammy did not feel loved or valued. He felt he was a burden on his mother and father. He tried to be as good as he could to please his parents, but it rarely worked. He didn’t feel he belonged to this family, more like he was visiting and it would soon end. He did not feel good about himself. He was unsure of how to be and how to act. The world was a scary place that he had to figure out on his own.
Each child comes to conclusions about themselves from their experiences of interactions with parents and others in their childhood. These conclusions may be accurate or inaccurate. Children do not even realize they come to conclusions; they are just living their lives. Some adults report specific memories of decisions they deliberately made as young children. But most of the time, these conclusions are made without realizing it, get buried in the subconscious, and operate out of awareness.
When a child has felt loved, valued, and connected to the significant people in his life, he is more likely to love and value himself, that is, he is more likely to have high self-esteem. Conversely, when a child experiences a lack of love and belonging, he is less likely to love and value himself, that is, he is more likely to have low self-esteem.
With care and concern,
Dr. Bea
6 Steps to Enhancing Your Self-Esteem
There are many things in life that we have to accept because we can do nothing about them. The one thing we can change is how we relate to ourselves.
As said in previous posts (Understanding Self-Estseem and How it Develops, How Early Experience Shapes One’s Relationship with One’s Self and Self-Esteem – a By-Product of How You Treat Yourself) we first have to realize we have developed a style over time. We need to become aware of what our style is. We may even develop different styles with different people and in different situations. The styles may be healthy or unhealthy. If a style is positive, such as respecting oneself, it does not need changing (other than to enhance what is already done). This can last a lifetime.
The styles that need changing are the ones that are unhealthy, such as not respecting, disparaging, negating, hurting, or judging oneself harshly. Many people have harsh inner critics, treating themselves in ways they would never treat another human being.
STEPS TO CHANGE
1) Become aware of your own personal style.
2) Build a solid foundation. Identify the positive interactions within yourself and choose to do them more often.
Scenario:
Wenda likes to try new things even though she gets anxious. The risks she takes are reasonable and safe. She encourages herself to keep taking risks by saying to herself. “ I can do this.” Afterwards, she gives herself credit. When it turns out well she says to herself, “Good for me. I did it.” If it goes badly, she says to herself, “OK, that did not go well, but I learned from it. At least I tried it.”
3) Change what needs changing. Identify the negative interactions and target them for change.
Scenario:
Wenda would not allow herself to accept compliments. She would dismiss, ignore, or deny them. She decided she wanted to receive compliments. She knew if she could take them in, she would feel better about herself.
4) Figure out new behaviours to replace the old ones.
This takes planning and experimentation. You cannot operate in a void. You need to replace the old way with a new way.
Scenario:
Wenda decided on 4 new ways she would respond when someone complimented her:
- Thank you.
- I’m glad you think so.
- It’s good to hear that.
- I appreciate your saying that.
5) The Choice Point.
This is the point at which you are aware you are (or are about to) treat yourself badly, and you mindfully decide to continue to do it, or you decide to do something different.
Scenario:
Wenda’s friend complimented her on her hair. Wenda, without thinking, replied sarcastically, “Oh yeah, right.” Suddenly, Wenda realized she had just done her old thing. She looked at her friend and said, “I mean, thank you.”
6) Practice, practice, practice.
Experimenting means that sometimes what you try will go badly. Expect those times to happen. Do your best to laugh them off, dismiss them, and learn from them. Encourage and support yourself to try again. Gradually, you’ll replace a bad habit with a good habit, an unhealthy habit with a healthy habit.
With care and concern,
Dr. Bea
