Intimacy is a relationship between people that nurtures and enhances emotional and physical closeness. Sharing of thoughts, feelings, moments, pleasurable affectionate physical touch, times and events in life, creates intimacy. Intimacy is about heart-to-heart sharing between people about their lives.

Intimacy is about being with others as opposed to doing to others.

Intimacy is connection, connection of one person’s own self to another or others’ selves. It creates bonding between people. Intimacy creates meaning for life— a sense that life, even though it may be difficult, is worthwhile. To be intimate with one or more others gives one a sense that one belongs.

When I was taking the Master’s in Family Counselling course, one of the first things we were taught was…ONE OF THE QUICKEST WAY TO HELP SOMEONE IS TO IMPROVE THEIR INTIMATE RELATIONSHIPS.

Personal Story:

Many years ago, before I had children (over 50 years ago) I had an experience that helped me change my life in a good way. I remember it to this day.

I went to a group meeting, I don’t remember what the meeting was for, other than personal growth. It was a group of men and women. There were about 12 of us there sitting on chairs in a circle.  At some point in the session, the group leader, a woman, directed us to stand up, turn to our right and massage the neck of the person in front of us for 2 minutes. We did what was requested. Then, as we sat down, she asked, “What were you most aware of, giving or receiving?” As I sat down the man who had been massaging my neck asked me, “How was it for you?” 

At that moment I realized, I had not even felt his hands on my body. I was shocked! I was so focused on giving, I could not receive!!!!!!  Since that experience, I have learned to receive and it has not been easy. I was glad to learn that lesson, my life is much better when I give AND receive.

Emotional intimacy can be experienced in brief moments, hours, and years. It can be experienced between parent and child, grandparent and child, adult child and elderly parent, lovers of all ages and good friends of all ages. Emotional intimacy can be experienced with one person or with a group of people, groups such as family gatherings, group therapy, group of close friends and enduring an ordeal with others.

Safety and connection are major factors in intimacy. People allow themselves to get close to others when they feel safe. When people have been hurt in relationships, they tend to protect themselves from getting close to others. This interferes with getting their intimacy needs met. To deal with the isolation all manner of behaviors take place to cope with the unpleasant sensations of separateness and isolation. People use alcohol and drugs, over working, impersonal sex, overly focusing on hobbies, sports and other activities to numb the pain and deflect from it. It’s like ignoring and coping with ongoing hunger.

People desire and seek intimacy. People who are comfortable with intimacy experience it as wonderful. People who are not familiar with intimacy or have been hurt by it, are confused—they both love it and are uncomfortable with it. Some people do not recognize the sensations of intimacy so feel confused and uncomfortable with them. As a result, they often push it away by doing behaviors that unintentionally sabotage it. They may provoke a fight and/or withdraw. Many a fight is caused by one partner feeling uncomfortable with sensations of too much closeness. This leaves the other feeling hurt and confused, saying, “But I was just beginning to think things were getting better.”

People often confuse emotional intimacy and sexual intimacy. It is possible to have intimacy without sex and sex without intimacy. Courtship can be so pleasant when lovers experience intimacy and sexual pleasure.

The opposite of intimacy is isolation, feeling separate or detached from others. People dislike the sensations of isolation—it is a very negative unpleasant experience. It is this sense of isolation which drives people to seek out contact with others. Fear of isolation often keeps people in relationships with others even if the contact is painful and negative. Children may stay with friends because they no longer like to avoid feeling isolated. Couples may stay with each other, not because they care about each other, but to avoid feeling isolated and being alone. Being alone is not necessarily isolated. Feeling disconnected and or cut off from others emotionally generates the sense of isolation. Life seems meaningless when a person feels all alone in the world, when they feel they don’t belong with a person or group.

The universe works in waves. There is a natural flow from intimacy to separateness from separateness back to intimacy ongoing over time. People tend to flow from needing intimacy, getting that need satisfied and then needing separateness and getting that need satisfied. They seek both in their own particular style. Some people need and want more intimacy than others. Some people need and want more separateness than others. Problems occur in relationships when there is a difference in amount and style. Problems occur when partners have been hurt and/or are resentful.

I believe a lot of the difficulties in relationships are due to intimacy needs not getting met. People feel alone and isolated as they sit for hours in front of their TV sets and on their phones, deflecting from the pain of unmet social and emotional needs. They disconnect from their own bodies to escape from the emotional pain. They often don’t realise what is happening, and if they do, they don’t know what to do about it—so they do nothing.

Exercises to Improve Emotional Intimacy

EXERCISE 1:

This exercise is specifically designed to renew and enhance emotional intimacy between couples (sexual contact is not a part of this exercise).

Step 1:

Agree to find 20 minutes to be together alone. Make this a time when you will least likely be disturbed.

Step 2 (3 minutes):       

Agree on a fun/pleasant activity to do together immediately after completing this exercise. For example, take a walk, play a game, have a meal, etc. (no sex/lovemaking).

If you get stuck on this task, do not waste time on it. Choose the option of flipping a coin to decide who goes first. Ask, “Do you want odd days or even?” Then whoever goes first makes the decision of what to do, the partner agrees to go along with the (reasonable) decision no matter what it is.

Step 3:

Begin the exercise. Find a comfortable way to sit facing each other fully clothed. Do not do this exercise on the bed. This a non-verbal exercise. Do not speak other than to give feedback of pleasure or discomfort.

 One person begins as the ‘Giver’ and the other as the receiver ‘Receiver’ (eyes closed).
NOTE:  Do only what you want to do!

WHAT ARE THE 6 MOST IMPORTANT WORDS IN ANY LANGUAGE?

THE ANSWER:  HIGHER, LOWER, SOFTER, HARDER, FASTER SLOWER.*

Step 4 (2 minutes):       

One partner explores the other from the neck up using all of his/her senses—sight, sound, smell, taste, and touch.

Look at your partner as if you have never seen him/her before. Look the shape, color, texture of your partner’s skin, eyes, hair etc.

Listen to your partner as if you’ve never listened to him/her before. Listen to breathing, shifting, coughing, any noises that are made.

Smell your partner as if you’ve never smelled him/her before. Smell their skin and hair.

Taste your partner as if you’ve never tasted him/her. This often triggers uncomfortable sensations. This is natural. When this happens, just be aware of it and then shift back to your senses of sight, smell, sound, taste and touch. Keep re-focusing your attention from thinking to sensing. Most important to keep re-focusing your attention onto your partner and away from yourself. Do not give meaning to what you sense.  For example, if your partner is smiling, do not give meaning to the smile—just focus on how the smile looks, the shape of it, the feel of the smiling lips, the creases it creates, etc. If your partner’s brows are furrowed, do not think about why, just stroke them. What is, is. At this moment they are furrowed, why, what, who, when, where are irrelevant.

The partner on the receiving side of this interaction is to focus on the sensations they are experiencing during this time. Soak it up! Pay attention to the sensations as if you’ve never experienced them before.

As you are receiving, you may find yourself thinking about what you are sensing and what the other person may be thinking or feeling. This is natural. This usually happens as you experience uncomfortable sensations. When this happens, just be aware of it and then shift     back to your senses of sight, smell, sound, taste and touch. Keep re-focusing your attention from thinking to sensing. Keep refocusing your attention to your own experience in the here and now.

Step 5 (2 minutes):

Reverse the roles. The Giver becomes the Receiver and the Receiver becomes the Giver.

Step 6 (5 minutes):       

Reverse the roles.

Step 7 (5 minutes):       

Reverse the roles.

Step 8:

Go and play and have fun together (no sex/love-making).

During the exercises, if you find yourself thinking thoughts such as “I don’t know what to do.” or “I don’t know if I’m doing this right.” or “I feel silly doing this.” Be aware that this is thinking and refocus yourself on what you are seeing, hearing, smelling, tasting and touching.

If you find yourself thinking thoughts such as, “I wonder if my partner is OK with doing this? Or, “Maybe I smell bad. I should have put on perfume/cologne.”  Be aware that this is thinking and refocus your attention back to what you are sensing. Thinking is a way to avoid sensing.

If you are unable to find 20 minutes in the course of a week because you are too busy you should be concerned. This is a red flag that your relationship needs attention. Perhaps you are using work, sleep and activities to avoid intimacy with your partner. Improving an intimate relationship helps people deal more effectively with life in general.

20 minutes is not a lot of time in one week. Examine your priorities and decide what you want. It is up to you.

As you develop more and more neural pathways, you will be able to enjoy the emotional and physical intimacy generated by the accumulation of experiences.

You may feel sexually aroused by the exercise. Enjoy it. Arousal is pleasurable. Allow this to pass without trying to do anything about it. It is very important that you not act on your impulses, as it will destroy what is to be gained by the exercise. It may even harm the intimacy that there is already in the relationship.

When you do have sex, you’re more likely to make love to each other, which will heighten the pleasure of the sexual contact and strengthen the sense of connectedness.

Use the same protocol for all the exercises (increasing the time spent by 5 minutes).

EXERCISE 2:

Set a timer. Include the upper body which is clothed (come close to but do not touch sexual parts of the body).

EXERCISE 3:

Set a timer. Include the lower body which is clothed (come close to but do not touch sexual parts of the body).

EXERCISE 4:

Set a timer. Include from the waist up (come close to but do not touch sexual parts of the body).

EXERCISE 5:

Set a timer. Totally nude (come close to but do not touch sexual parts of the body).

The first time you do this exercise adhere to the time as set out. In future times, when you practice the exercises, you can adjust the time by talking and agreeing on time.

You can use your own discretion as to the time spent remembering that you will start feeling uncomfortable and gradually get comfortable.

THE QUALITY OF TIME changes when you embrace the sensations you are experiencing. You are now in the Sensory part of your brain which experiences time as expanding and long yet once over, it seems to go by in a blink of an eye. 

Now you are fully connected to your body and feel grounded and solid within yourself.

Side Effects of These Exercises:

Sensations of the RECEIVER:

Embarrassment, shyness, giggling, spontaneous laughter. Perhaps shame and guilt and other unpleasant sensations such as pulling away, anxious, wanting to shrink/hide.

Time will seem long and difficult to endure.

As you gain more and more neural pathways, the sensations transcend the unpleasant ones and become pleasant – relaxation, enjoyment, sexual arousal enjoyment, pleasure, connectedness, safety.

Time will seem long and very enjoyable.

Sensations of the GIVER:

At first, oddly enough, you may experience many of the same unpleasant sensations; embarrassment, shyness, giggling, spontaneous laughter. Perhaps you will experience shame and guilt and other unpleasant sensations such as pulling away, anxious, wanting to shrink/hide. Maybe you are being invasive and intrusive. Perhaps there is hesitancy and the concern that your touch may be unwelcome or you’re just not doing it right.

Time will seem long and difficult to endure.

As you gain confidence and realize that you are giving your partner pleasure you will tend to forget about time and enjoy your own sensations of giving your partner pleasure. You will feel connected to your partner in a whole new way that grounds you in yourself and in your relationship with your partner.

Time changes quality when you embrace the sensations you are experiencing. You are now in the sensory part of your brain which experiences time as expanding and long yet once over it seems to go by in a blink of an eye. 

Now you are fully connected to your body and feel grounded and solid within yourself.  

NOTE: If you feel resistance to do the above exercises, try this fun activity.

When there has been a lot of struggles and unpleasant times in a relationship, people often do not want to be this physically close and intimate. They have been hurt and fear being hurt again. This is very common in relationships, even not so troubled ones. Buried hurt often manifests as resentment. The resentment acts as a ‘wall’ to keep oneself protected, but once built, this wall can become a lonely unpleasant prison. Over the years, the walls become thicker and higher, making it harder and more difficult to let go of past hurts.

Try to create a crack in your own wall so you can start receive pleasant and caring well-intentioned behaviors. Then work to change this crack into a door in your wall, which you have the key to, and can open the door and let your partner in—or you can leave your safe place and know it’s there if you need it.

To start: Have a fun fight!  

People seem to be so afraid of anger that they react to the word ‘fight’ negatively. So if that is what happens for you, use the term ‘attacking type activity.’ Think of it as fun!

Suggestions: 

• pillow ‘fight’ (stronger partner goes on their knees and uses one hand only to hold the pillow)
• stomp on pop/beer cans together 
• stomp on large bubble wrap
• slam bean bags against a wal—trying to make the loudest sound
• throw water filled balloons at each other
• find or make a mud bath and smearing mud on each other

Have a STOP signal. Respond to this signal immediately, when your partner requests it.

For example, the signal could be ‘uncle’, ‘ouch’, ‘enough’, ‘break time’ or just STOP. It could be a non-verbal cue of a raised hand, palm facing the partner, hands together with palms facing each other, or lying belly up or down.

Whatever you both agree on, be sure you adhere to it immediately. This prevents anyone from imploding or exploding—guaranteeing the activity remains SAFE. I recommend you test this exercise to ensure that this type of engagement truly works for the both of you. Knowing this is safe for the both of you, will help you take more risks for opening up to being vulnerable.

FOOTNOTE: * I first heard this as a joke, but I think it is true, so it seems appropriate here.