It is healthy to channel your anger in constructive and productive ways.
Anger Is Energy
Anger expressed positively can convince a lover or child that he or she is loved. It can help you get a job done when you’re tired. It can be motivating. Tiger Woods, one of the top golfers, says, “I sometimes lose my temper on purpose to fire myself up.”
Anger expressed negatively can devastate a child of any age, but especially when they are very young. Anger can destroy relationships and ruin things of value. People can hurt others when they get angry, but they often hurt themselves.
There are times when it is appropriate and productive to get angry. But often, getting angry can be dangerous, even embarrassing. It is helpful to know the difference and have the impulse control to carry out the choice. Most important is how a person acts when angry.
Scenario: Sam pulled into her garage after a long hectic day at work. As she got out of her car, she heard glass breaking. She went around the corner of her home and saw the shattered living room window. Her son and his friends stood on the street, frozen. One of the boys had hit the baseball through the window. Sam was enraged! Last time, it was the neighbour’s bedroom window. She’d told them many times to practice in the schoolyard nearby. She wanted to scream at them and slap them silly!
Sam knew that she was too angry to deal with the boys right then and told them so. She sent her son to his room and sent his friends home. She changed into her jeans and a T-shirt, went into the backyard, and chopped some wood. As she chopped, her rage dissipated. She was still angry but not enraged. Then she got her son to help her put some plywood over the broken window. Later that evening, she and her husband sat down with their son to deal with the problem.
Sam did not blow-up, nor did she block her anger. She allowed her muscles to do what they needed to do—attack. But she did not attack her son or his friends; she attacked the wood. She destroyed and created something simultaneously.
When people get angry, their bodies pump adrenaline into the bloodstream, preparing their muscles for fight or flight. Their muscles are primed to act, and as they do, the adrenaline is processed. However, if the anger is blocked, then the muscles do not do what they naturally do. The adrenaline stays in the muscles, often causing side effects, such as shakiness until it is eventually processed. Blocked or unexpressed anger builds up over time. The brain and the body need to deal with it in some way. Some people blow-up because they can no longer tolerate the tension. Others suppress and repress their anger, which can lead to physical and emotional illnesses. Depression is often the symptom of repressed anger. Neither is healthy, and both can cause a lot of harm.
It is not easy to find wood to chop, but there are many other ways to express anger constructively and productively, like throwing a rug over a railing and whacking it with a broom.
The Power of Connection Is Born
On January 6, 2020, the Iranian general was assassinated. Does anyone remember this?
I am on a global internet LISTSERV with my colleagues (psychologists, psychiatrists, professors, students, trainers, counsellors, and coaches). When this happened, the level of fear in the world ramped up. I was concerned about how worried my LISTSERV colleagues were about themselves and their clients.
Of course, once COVID-19 became a serious threat to life, hardly anyone remembers the assassination of the Iranian general. The fear around COVID-19 started as a slow burn and then became a raging blaze once people let sink in how we are all at risk. Countries scrambled to deal with the threat, but they had never had to deal with anything like this before. Everyone was on new ground.
I mentioned to a publisher I know, that if ever there was a time to market a book on processing emotions, it was now. I said to him, “I’m not sure how to go about it. It needs to be a shorter book.” His response was, “Send me a couple of chapters for the shorter version.”
This was how my second manuscript, The Power of Connection: How to process emotion in turbulent times, came into being.
When will The Power of Connection be available?
The manuscript has been accepted for publishing by Friesen Press. While it is a shorter version of Let Things Fall Together, Friesen Press suggested we edit content and personal stories to target COVID-19. Currently, my team, Tereza Racekova (editor), Lesley Wexler (graphic artist), Bree BV (virtual assistant), and myself are editing the manuscript and adding graphics.
We are aiming to launch in May 2021.
I can hardly wait to announce the date.
With care and concern,
Dr. Bea
Why People Explode in Anger
Scenario: Mary sighed. She’d blown her top—again. After the last time, she’d promised herself that she would not do it anymore, but she’d just lost it again.
Mary had been cleaning the home for a couple of hours. Ralph had come home from soccer and was in the shower. She walked into the bedroom to get something and found a pile of his sweaty clothes on the floor. This was an ongoing struggle between them. Mary had asked him many times to put his dirty clothes in the clothes hamper. Annoyed, Mary swept up the clothes, put them away, and went back to cleaning the home. Half an hour later, she walked into the bathroom and saw his wet towel lying on the bathroom floor. She lost it and went into a rage. She grabbed the towel and stomped off to find him. He was sitting on the patio, relaxing. Seeing him relaxed infuriated her even more. She threw the towel in his face and yelled obscenities at him. Finally, she stomped off. Ralph sat there in shock, wondering what had just happened.
Often there is a cycle of anger and peace. A person blows-up, and then there is a period of peace. But life is life. Things happen, and often, they are not significant. A small annoying event will happen, and it will get dismissed. There is tension. Another irritating event follows, and it gets pushed under the rug. Tension increases. Another frustrating event and anger is pushed aside. More tension. Another event and the anger is swallowed. Tension builds. After several more frustrating events, another small event happens, and a person blows up in rage. Usually, there is confusion because the nature of the event did not warrant the intensity of the anger. Others will ask, “How could you get so mad about that?” However, the tension is released. Now there is peace again—at least for a while. The building process starts again. It’s like a stack of coins; each coin is like a frustrating event. The stack gets high, then one more coin is put on the stack, and the whole stack falls over.
For Mary, it was not just the wet towel on the bathroom floor; it was the many wet towels on the bathroom floor, the dirty socks around the house, the jacket hung over the back of the kitchen chair, the newspapers scattered near the couch, the shoes cluttered by the door, dirty dishes on the coffee table, etc.
Underneath the anger, Mary felt out of control and unappreciated. She tried everything to get Ralph to help around the house. She felt resentful that Ralph was playing while she was working. It seemed to her that she did the major share of keeping the home in order. Finally, she snapped and went into a rant.
Blow-ups happen because of ongoing difficulties that are not resolved. There is a buildup of tension that is not released. At some point, the buildup gets so intense that it cannot be contained.
How to Make a Change
Make a change by interrupting the cycle. Bring up unresolved issues during the phase when tension is building. In this scenario, Mary realized that if she did not address this with Ralph, she would blow-up at him again. She asked him to set a time when they could talk. Together they picked a time they were both available. Mary felt less frustrated, knowing that the problem was going to be addressed. When the time came, they sat down together and explored the issue. They did not come up with solutions before they figured out what the real problem was between them. This helped them feel connected to each other. Once they were connected emotionally, they came up with solutions to experiment with. Each felt better about the other.
Ralph, too, could have initiated the discussion with Mary. After she calmed down, he could have asked her for a time to talk.
Each Partner Has a Part in the Cycle
No one person is at fault. Whatever is going on between two people is co-created by them both, and each needs to take responsibility for his/her part in the negative cycle.
When issues have been discussed unsuccessfully before, couples need to change how they address them. The exercise “Sooner Rather Than Later” is a useful tool that gives couples a protocol to follow when addressing and resolving issues.
Writing Retreat in Montreal
This time last year, I took time off from seeing clients and went on a writing retreat. I wanted to fully immerse myself in my writing and felt I couldn’t do it staying in Vancouver.
After stopping off in St. Catharines, Ontario, where I joined with my brother and sister-in-law in celebrating their 60th wedding anniversary, I went to Montreal to work with my editor, Tereza. We spent five weeks together from February 8th to March 13th, 2020. For me, it was an enjoyable and productive time. I enjoyed getting to know Tereza in person. We found we were in sync with my content and how to share it with my readers. She is a fantastic editor. She takes my writing and makes it flow.
At this time, the pandemic was in its infancy and just ramping up. My ticket back to Vancouver was Saturday, March 14th. On my last evening, Tereza took me out for dinner at one of Montreal’s great restaurants. The next day, I left and remember the huge airport and how “dead” it was. I got home safely and reconnected with my family before restrictions were solidly put in place. Tereza told me that the day I left, Montreal shut down. None of the restaurants were open, and businesses were closed.
I was happy to get home and happy to be healthy. Because of restrictions, I was not seeing clients and could not even have my family over for dinner. There was nothing to do but write. Tereza and I had not completed the manuscript, so we continued to work by videoconferencing for the next few weeks. I benefited from this unscheduled writing retreat, this time at home.
Fortunately, I live within a five-minute walk from the beach, so I would take walks on my breaks. I was able to see my family and friends outside. Vancouver is a beautiful place to be “trapped” during any season, but it is especially so in the summer. The city is also bike-friendly; there are hundreds of kilometres of well-cared-for bike paths and trails throughout the city and surrounding communities.
With care and concern,
Dr. Bea
