Anything that Can Be Done, Can Be Overdone
How to Stop Your Good Intentions from Going Bad
You can love too much. You can be too generous. You can be too helpful. You can try too hard. You can be too responsible. You can be too kind. You can work too much. You can be too considerate. You can give too much. You can be too loyal. You can be too truthful. You can over-function. You can compromise too much. You can be too affectionate. You can sacrifice too much. And more. There are books written about this problem, Too Good for Your Own Good by Claudio Bebko and Jo-Ann Krestan, and Too Nice for Your Own Good by Duke Robinson.
All of these behaviors are positive—loving, generous, trying, responsible, kind, working, considerate, giving, loyal, truthful, affectionate, etc. There is a continuum along which these ways of being can be carried out and be positive- up to a point! Beyond that point they are counterproductive. Loving someone too much can be smothering and stifling for the loved one. Working too much can make you sick and less effective. Giving too much can make others feel obligated or uncomfortable in other ways. Being too truthful can impact relationships in negative ways. Helping too much can make others do less for themselves—it’s called enabling.
No manual tells you where that point is—that point where what you’re doing turns from positive to ineffectual, or even harmful. To find that point you need to…
Pay attention to how your behavior/attitude impacts others.
Mary’s daughter Melissa was shy, so Mary would help her by doing things for her that Melissa couldn’t or wouldn’t do for herself. Mary would talk to her teacher for her; she would phone her friends’ mothers to arrange playdates for her; she would talk to her friends for her; she would shop for her and take back items to the store for her; she would lie for her saying Melissa was sick when she wasn’t.
Mary saw her daughter withdrawing more and more. She realized that what she was doing was making Melissa’s shyness worse. So, Mary changed what she was doing. She stopped doing things for her and started expressing her belief that Melissa could do things herself even though it was difficult. Sometimes Mary would role-play how to handle situations and then let Melissa handle them, (or not handle them) herself. Melissa was angry with her mother for not doing things for her anymore. Mary found it hard to handle the pain of watching her daughter struggle. She did not like Melissa to be mad at her; she missed their close relationship.
Gradually, Melissa’s desire to fit in and belong motivated her to try things herself. As she learned how to do things and got more practice doing them, she felt better about herself. Her increased confidence helped her to attempt more things. Even though she was angry with her mother, on some level she knew that what her mother was doing was in her own best interests.
If what you intend to make happen is not happening, either stop doing it or change what you are doing so it does happen.
With care and concern,
Dr. Bea
What Everyone Should Know about Anger—Part One
Anger is usually a secondary feeling.
Scenario: James watched as his son, a talented goalie, let in a goal that lost the game. Exasperated he let out a cry of disgust. As James and his son walked away from the hockey rink, James berated him for not trying hard enough. His discouraged son emphatically tried to convince him that he had tried as hard as he could—to no avail. Both felt bad.
Underlying the anger there is another feeling—a vulnerable feeling—that acts like an engine fueling the anger and driving the behavior. Any vulnerable feeling can fuel anger. Some people get angry when they feel hurt. Some people get angry when they feel threatened. Anyone can get angry when they feel out of control. Some people get angry when they feel pressured. Most people get irritable when they are hungry or tired. There are many vulnerable feelings: abandoned, put down, shamed, embarrassed, exposed, challenged, disappointed, hopeless, controlled, rejected, blocked, misunderstood, and more. In James’ case, underneath his anger was disappointed. When his son did well, he felt proud and important, almost as if he’d achieved it himself. He enjoyed the compliments from coaches and other parents. When his son did not do well, he felt like a failure. He hated feeling like a failure so he shifted into anger and got on his son’s case. Vulnerable feelings can range from slight to extreme. No one likes to feel vulnerable so most people behave in ways that attempt to avoid or deflect from the feeling. They may get busy talking about something else; they may focus on a task; they may worry about aches or pains they have or they may get angry. Why get angry? When people shift into anger they stop feeling the vulnerable feeling. It does not go away; it just goes into the background. Feeling angry is better than feeling humiliated, rejected, or some other vulnerable feeling. When people feel angry, they feel powerful, not vulnerable. With anger, it may be possible to change what is going on.
Anger has a purpose.
When people get angry it helps them make happen what they want to happen or to prevent or stop happening what they do not want to happen. James needed his son to do well so that he felt good about himself. He got angry at his son to pressure him into trying harder. Most children feel uncomfortable when their parents are angry so they try to do whatever it is that will stop the anger, whether it is good for them or not. They become more focused on what their parents are feeling than on the activity. That makes it harder for them to do well. What could James do to achieve his goals? First of all, James needs to be aware that he feels disappointed. He probably shifts into anger so quickly that he does not even realize it. Secondly, he needs to realize that his disappointment is about himself, not his son; he is trying to get his needs met vicariously through his son’s efforts and abilities.
Once he is aware, he can…
- Do things in his own life to achieve a sense of accomplishment and importance.
- Give his son positive feedback about what he is doing well so his son stays focused on the sport. Then his son is more likely to enjoy the activity and perform at his best. Result? Both feel good—his son feels good about himself, and James feels good about himself and his parenting. When parents figure out the engine (vulnerable feeling) driving their anger, they have more choices. They may continue to handle situations in the same way or they may find more effective ways, without getting angry, that are positive for everyone concerned.
Explore the feelings underlying your anger. What did you feel just before you got angry?
What is the purpose of your anger? Is there a better way to achieve it than getting angry?
With care and concern,
Dr. Bea
What to Do When Your Partner Doesn’t Listen to Reason
Partners who are both reasonable are likely to get along well. They are not likely to need couples counseling, or if they do, it may be their mutual reasoning that guides them to seek counseling. They collaborate and feel good about each other as a result.
However, there are many couples in which one partner is reasonable and the other is not. I see them in my practice. The reasonable one continues to reason even though reasoning does not work. The unreasonable one continues to do (or not do) what they want. The relationship deteriorates. Intimacy suffers.
But it does not mean that the couple should not be together. It means they need to work differently.
Scenario 1:
Barbara noticed the railing was loose on the balcony of their home. She brought it to the attention of her husband, Drew. He was busy with work and said it was OK. Barbara knew he was busy and gave him some time. She was concerned though that someone could get hurt if the railing gave way. She kept bringing it to his attention, reasoning with him that someone could get hurt and they could be liable. Barbara had to be vigilant that the children and visitors stayed away from the railing. Drew said she was overreacting.
Scenario 2:
Brian kept track of the finances. He noticed that his wife’s spending was exceeding their budget and he complained to her about it. He reasoned with her that if overspending continued, they would get into serious financial difficulties. Cindy heard his words yet continued to overspend, justifying her purchases or hiding them from Brian. He felt out of control about their debt and pulled away from Cindy, spending more time with his family.
Couples tend to do the same thing over and over with each other even though it does not work. If they did the same thing at work they would get seriously reprimanded or even fired. But many couples frustrate each other by playing out the same dynamic repeatedly.
What is the function of unreasonableness? Why would a spouse be unreasonable?
To be reasonable is to be open to change. Unreasonable people do not want to change. By not being open to reason they can continue to do what they want and not do what they do not want to do. Also, being reasonable increases intimacy, which some people have difficulty handling even though they want it.
When reasoning does not work, shift to strategies.
Reasoning is a good way to start out addressing an issue with your partner. If they respond positively, great, you can work through the problem. If they respond in the same old way, then shift to strategies.
Consequences effect change. How to achieve change is to figure out a strategy that has consequences built into it.
Scenario 1:
Without anger and in a matter-of-fact tone Barbara told Brian that she was going to give him until the end of the month to fix the railing. If it was not done by then she was going to hire someone to repair it. When the end of the month came and the railing was still not fixed, Barbara got a couple of estimates to have the railing repaired. She showed the estimates to Drew. She told him she was going to choose one of them and get the railing fixed. When Drew realized that she was serious about getting the railing repaired, he found time to fix it himself. He wanted to do it himself to be sure it was done right. Barbara offered her help and did what she could to make it happen. They had fun doing it together and each was pleased once it was done. They felt warm toward each other.
Scenario 2:
Brian realized that the reasoning with Cindy was having no effect. He consulted with someone at the bank about possible changes he could make. Without anger and in a matter-of-fact manner he told her that he was concerned about their financial situation and because he cared about their relationship, he was going to take steps to bring the finances under control. He gave her a time frame of two months and said if she continued to overspend he would put all of their credit cards in the bank safety deposit box and they would operate with cash only. After two months it was clear that Cindy still was overspending so Brian followed through and put the cards away. This forced Cindy to deal with the reality of the situation. When talking it through, an underlying problem came to light—Cindy was resentful of all the time Brian spent with his family. They then addressed directly the issue of spending time together.
HOW you handle the shift from reasoning to planning and carrying out strategies is critical to making the change successful and relationship-enhancing. If you want to show your spouse who is in control or you want to teach your spouse a lesson, then expect a negative response to even the best strategy you could offer. Resentful spouses tend to sabotage even when they know they will hurt themselves.
If you proceed with goodwill and with the intent to make life for all better, strategies have a very good chance of working. Because your partner knows you’re doing it out of caring for him or her (and the family), they tend to cooperate and collaborate. Intimacy grows.
With Care and Concern,
Dr. Bea
What Goes on During Repeated Relationship Breakups and Reconciliations?
Often when couples are in a troubled relationship they break up and get back together again many times. There are good aspects of the relationship that keep couples coming back to each other. Once they are reconciled the issues or problems of the relationship come to the foreground and the couple, still unable to resolve them, breaks up again. In the April 2008 issue of Psychology Today, the article On-again, Off-Again states the reason for this pattern stems from relationships that deep down are probably not right. Fundamentally, there are differences in standards and values that the couple cannot resolve such as dishonesty, irresponsibility, unfaithfulness, abuse, and lifestyle. Or, there are differences in wants and needs such as sex, intimacy, companionship, comfort, and security.
Temporary separations are not necessarily a bad thing. Many couples have separated throughout their relationship at some time or another. Sometimes the separations are overt and other times they are disguised as holidays (sometimes as short as a couple of days), visits to extended family, or work-related. A temporary separation can help a couple reorganize their relationship.
Couples develop dynamics between each other over time. When that dynamic is troubled separating can throw the dynamic into chaos. Out of the chaos partners, who still care about each other, can develop a new dynamic that works for them. This means that each partner changes permanently. For example, A couple breaks up because their fighting escalates to the point where an incident of physical abuse occurs. Then they reconcile with the agreed premise that physical abuse is crossing the line that neither wants to ever cross again. Each changes in how they fight and resolve issues.
Most couples in troubled relationships break up and reconcile one or more times before the final break up. This stems from the emotional pain caused by breaking up. Often, each is in such pain that they reconcile to stop the pain. Then once they are back in the relationship the intolerable problems of the relationship push them to separate again. The emotional pain of ending a relationship and breaking up a family unit can be excruciating. Some couples stay together to avoid this pain.
Some couples love each other passionately yet cannot live together. They cannot find a way to resolve their differences. There are celebrity couples who demonstrate this. Elizabeth Taylor and Richard Burton married and divorced twice. Pamela Anderson and Tommy Lee also married and divorced twice.
Reconciliation often occurs because starting over is difficult and uncomfortable. Very few relationships are all bad. Partners often hang on to the good aspects of the relationship because they cannot face starting over or they cannot tolerate being alone.
Often partners confuse the emotional pain of separation for love. One or both partners may think, “If I am in so much emotional pain it must mean I still love my partner”. This can be true and a separation may make this realization possible. If it is mutual, the couple reconcile with renewed commitment to each other. However, often it is grief, not love, that is experienced when couples break up. Grief for the loss of the bond that forms when partners live together and marry as well as when they form family units. Grief for the loss of the good parts of the relationship that they may never find again with anyone else. Grief for the loss of the hopes and dreams that once were a part of the relationship.
It is healthy to grieve the losses. They are significant. It is important to grieve because individuals who grieve recover fully and can engage in life again.
With care and concern,
Dr. Bea Mackay
