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Safety First: How to Reduce Kids Fighting When Driving in the Car
Safety is first and foremost when driving a vehicle.
Fighting and goofing around are distracting to the driver. It is also dangerous for the drivers to be upset and yelling at their passengers. The best thing to do is develop a strategy for safe driving.
When my kids were young, we spent a lot of time driving from one activity to another. We lived several miles from most activities so there was lots of time spent in the car. When they would fight or noisily goof around, I found it distracting. Yelling didn’t work, and besides I hated yelling and nagging at them.
I decided to stop trying to make them stop. I developed a strategy. I told them it was not safe for me to drive when there is fighting going on. I told them I would pull over to the side of the road as soon as it was safe to do so and wait until they stopped. They didn’t believe me, but I knew they wouldn’t until I followed through on what I had said I’d do.
So, I began to do it. At first it happened quite a lot. I kept my word—I pulled over as soon as it was safe to do so and waited until they quieted down. In the beginning it seemed like a game to them. I was careful to keep my body language neutral and matter-of-fact, no eye rolling, no heavy sighs, no tense clipped speech. One time, they took a particularly long time to quiet down. So instead of “losing it” I stepped out of the vehicle and stood beside it. I never left the boys alone in the vehicle. When they finally quieted down, I got back in the car and without saying a word, started driving again. They didn’t like just sitting in the car and not getting where they were going whether it was school, soccer or home. So, they started quieting down sooner. Eventually, when they realized I was slowing down to pull off to the side of the road, they would quickly quiet down. Without saying a word, I would pull back onto the road and speed up.
Somewhere along the way, it became a non-issue, without anyone discussing it. Being noisy in the car just seemed to hardly happen at all.
This was accomplished without me yelling, getting upset, reasoning, pleading, nagging, threatening, guilt-tripping, being impatient or getting angry. Having a strategy really helped me remain calm. I felt in control of the situation in a way that was positive for the boys.
NOTE:
Consistency when carrying out a strategy is imperative to its success.
It may take some time for the plan to take effect so be prepared to be patient. The plan may even have to be tweaked a bit.
The attitude used to implement the strategy is also key to a successful outcome.
The same strategy used with an angry negative delivery could turn into a power struggle. This could make the dynamics between all persons involved worse.
Parenting Tips: How to Encourage Truth-Telling & Discourage Lying
One day when I was about seven, I overheard my mother talking to the Fuller Brush salesman at the door. Usually, my mother wore a dress but today was cleaning day so she was wearing pants. My mother was a white Anglo-Saxon protestant. She was born in Canada and spoke perfectly good English. She said to him in a quasi-Italian accent, “I’m just the cleaning lady. The lady of the house she no at home.”
I could not believe my mother was lying! She always told us to tell the truth. I learned later that she was not comfortable dealing with assertive salespeople.
Modeling:
The most powerful way to teach children anything is to model it. When children see and experience their parents telling the truth and admitting when they have lied, they are more likely to do the same. Many a parent will lie to other people, on the phone or in person, not realizing their child is witnessing it. Parents ask their children to lie for them “Tell whoever it is that I’m not at home.” Some parents use their children to help them smuggle articles across the border. Many people will not admit that they lied, either to a child or to anyone else.
Do not set your children up to lie.
I remember very clearly the day my mother caught me ‘smoking’. I was six. My friend and I had been playing over at her house. We had found half a package of cigarettes in the garbage can. I can’t say we smoked them but we lit them and pretended to smoke. When I came home my mother asked me the question, “Have you been smoking?” I don’t remember if I lied, but I probably did. I didn’t know that she could smell the smoke on me. She knew I’d been smoking yet she asked me if I had. I don’t remember being punished but I was never allowed to play with that friend again.
What stood out for me was feeling bewildered. ‘How did she know?’ For a while after that, I believed my mother knew everything that I did, no matter where I was.
We often set our children up to lie. We often already know that they have done something they should not have done or not done something they should have done. Yet we ask them about it anyway. Why? Usually to test them. Children will often lie or go mute in order to avoid getting into trouble. They will lie to avoid their parent’s disapproval. They will lie to avoid their parent’s anger.
Set your children up to tell the truth.
If you know your child has done something wrong, tell them about it using matter-of-fact statements. Avoid questions. Your child is more likely to admit to the truth. This way, you are more likely to get the behaviour you want—truth telling—than if you asked a question or were interrogated.
Example 1: I smell smoke in your hair. Tell me about how you got smoke in your hair.
Example 2: I see your bike is wet. I told you not to ride out in the rain. Tell me about it.
Example 3: I heard you on the phone to your friend. You told her where you went last weekend. I didn’t know about this. I’d like to hear about it.
When you put the facts to children in a matter-of-fact way they are more likely to admit what they have done. They know you already know, so there is no point in lying.
Reinforce truth-telling.
When your children tell you the truth acknowledge it.
Examples:
Thank you for telling the truth.
It takes courage to admit the truth.
Even though it was difficult, you had the courage to tell the truth.
I admire you for being honest.
Wow! You are brave to tell the truth.
I appreciate that you told me the truth.
I like a person who has the guts to say it like it is!
Create an environment in which it is safe to tell the truth.
Most people will tell the truth if they are not afraid. Children, especially, will lie if they are afraid. They are very sensitive to their parent’s tone of voice and facial expressions. When children feel interrogated, they get scared. Without even knowing why, they are more likely to lie or say nothing at all.
Question children matter-of-factly.
Question children in order to clarify.
Question children with a concern for the safety of themselves and others.
Focus on the issue.
“Now what are we going to do about this ……….?”
Keep your focus on the problematic behaviour. Avoid attacking a child’s character. It is crucial to tell children they are OK, but what they have done was wrong or was a mistake. They are more likely to tell the truth if you, their parent, do not think they are bad.
Have fair consequences for wrongdoing.
Children learn from consequences. Children are very sensitive to justice. If the consequences fit the misbehaviour and are carried out in a firm manner, children will accept the consequences and learn from them. However, if the consequences are unfair and/or they are carried out harshly, children may shift their focus from learning what to do or what not to do to learning how not to get caught.
Ignore lying if possible.
The less attention paid to lying the better.
One time when my children were about four and six, I noticed that one of the vinyl-covered chairs had a small cut in it. I asked both boys to come into the kitchen. I showed them the cut chair and asked if either of them knew how this had happened. Both denied doing it and denied any knowledge of who might have done it. I thanked them both for telling the truth even though I knew that one of them was lying. I wanted to acknowledge the one who was telling the truth. I wanted the one who was telling the truth to feel good about himself. Both children went off to play. About an hour later my eldest son came into the kitchen looking rather sheepish. He admitted to cutting the chair. I told him he was brave to come forward and admit the truth. I ignored that he had lied. I then focused on the chair and talked about how to fix it. He and I worked together to repair the chair.
If he had not ‘come clean’ I would have invited them both to help me repair the chair. Giving them a clear message that it is not ok to damage the furniture.
Be approachable.
There are times when your child needs to tell you the truth. Do not discourage your children from feeling comfortable approaching you.
A father was putting his 6-year-old son to bed. After they finished the story the boy blurted out what happened to him at daycare that afternoon. He said another boy, (also age 6) asked him to play ‘Dickiebum’ a ‘game’ that he had never played before. He said he did not like it and did not want to return to the daycare again. Although shocked and concerned the father listened attentively to his son. He asked him questions in a matter-of-fact way about what happened, who did what to whom, if he had told the person in charge of the daycare, etc. Fortunately for this boy, his father was open to hearing disturbing information and dealt with the issue calmly and appropriately.
At another time the father taught his son how to get out of situations that he did not want to be involved in.
Listen attentively if your child (or another child) comes to you with information about what someone else (child or adult) is doing. Clarify the situation with interest, avoiding irritation or blame. Children often do not understand what is going on so they are not able to explain clearly. You may even want to check it out for yourself to be sure. Your child, or someone else, may need protection.
How to Handle Truths that are difficult to hear.
Sometimes children tell their parents things that parents really do not want to hear. Children are often confused because they get a double message from their parents. Parents tell them to tell the truth, but when they do, the parents may not believe them, may get angry, or may not respond appropriately.
A child may tell you he deliberately slammed the door on the kitten to see what would happen and he was surprised when it died. A child may tell you that your neighbour touched him in a funny way. A child may tell you she stole money from your wallet.
If your child tells you a truth that is difficult for you to hear, avoid showing your child that you are alarmed. Show them that you are interested. Thank the child for telling the truth. Without leading the child, find out all that you can about what happened, and finally – deal with it appropriately. At an appropriate time, educate your child about the issue, whatever it is.
If you’re really taken aback, tell your child you need time to think about what they told you and you will talk to them later about it. Then consult with someone who has wisdom to help you deal with it.
In conclusion, the best way to teach honesty is to model it for children. The more children experience the value of truth-telling and the good feelings that come from truth-telling the less they will lie. The more parents avoid focusing on lying [the behaviour they don’t want] and create safety for truth-telling (the behaviour they want) the more their children will tell the truth.
Finally, be open to the truth when you get it. Handle situations with dignity and respect when your children are truthful.
Couple Dynamics: The Attacker and the Defensive One
In a situation where one partner attacks the other, both partners can be defensive but have very different styles. The expression The Best Defense is a Good Offense describes the style of the Attacker. When the Defensive One brings an issue or problem up to their spouse, the Attacker feels attacked and defends him or herself by attacking the Defensive One with real or imagined wrongs. The Defensive One defends himself. The interaction between them shifts from the Defensive One trying to resolve a problem between them to the Defensive One ‘on the ropes’ explaining and defending what their spouse has just accused them of. The original issue the Defensive One brought forward gets lost. The Attacker has deflected the issue so he or she no longer has to deal with it.
Scenario 1:
In his business Randy does a lot of entertaining of business associates, mostly in restaurants, but often dinners at home as well. His wife Erin does not mind this although it is a lot of work. What really bothers her is that Randy changes as soon as his business associates enter the home. To her, he treats her and the children like second-class citizens. When Erin complains to Randy, he accuses her of not wanting to help him in his business and of not being a supportive wife. Erin reacts by denying his accusations. She can never get him to acknowledge her complaint so it can never be addressed. His behavior does not change. She starts to resent entertaining her husband and resents him. Intimacy suffers.
Scenario 2:
George was concerned about his children. He felt Mary was too hard on them and he tried in many different ways to bring his concern to Mary. He also felt she was too hard on him but he was more concerned about the children than himself. Every time he tried to address his concern with her she felt attacked as a mother and defended herself by attacking him. She accused him of being too lenient with the children. George knew this was true because he was trying to compensate for what he thought was her harshness and usually defended his actions. She accused him of undermining her as a parent and not standing with her as a team. She attacked his character, accusing him of being a wimp and a poor role model for the children. She attacked him for not being a good husband. If things escalated further then she attacked his family and his friends. George would end up defending himself, the kids, his family, and his friends. His issue got lost. He felt resentful and withdrew from the relationship. Intimacy suffered.
The Defensive One is confused. They usually do not understand what just happened. After many interactions like this one, the Defensive One no longer wants to bring up an issue because they know it will be turned around on them. Now there is no way for them to address an issue. Intimacy suffers.
The Defensive One needs to shift from being defensive to standing their ground when they are attacked. This is much easier said than done. It helps if the Defensive One realizes that the Attacker is feeling vulnerable too yet is hiding it in the attack. If one does not feel vulnerable there is no reason to avoid issues your spouse brings to you.
Scenario 1:
Erin learned to change how she was reacting to her husband when he attacked her. She stopped defending herself. She told him that whatever issues he has with her can be addressed another time. Right now, she was dealing with the issue of how he changed when business associates came into the home. At first, Randy kept attacking her but she held her ground by saying, “That may be so but right now I’m talking to you about how you change when you have business associates over. I’m not going to address your concerns right now, I am willing to address them later. Right now I bring up an important issue that is of concern to me. I need you to hear me.”
Finally, when Randy’s attack did not work, he reluctantly listened to what Erin had to say. During the talk, he had difficulty acknowledging that he was doing what she was complaining about yet after their talk, he did change. Erin was appreciative of the efforts he made to change. She was more affectionate with Randy and he really liked that.
Scenario 2:
George finally understood that Mary took his concerns as an attack on her as a mother. When he brought up his concerns with her he reassured her that he thought she was a good mother and he had concerns about her trying too hard to be a good mother. At first, Mary kept attacking him but George did not shift into defending himself. He stayed on the issue he was bringing up. He did not get derailed although it was very difficult for him not to shift into defending himself or just give up. Eventually, Mary could hear his reassurance. She finally was able to consider George’s concerns. Mary did soften her stance with the children and George showed his appreciation with more affection and attention. Mary felt closer to him as a result. She also had more respect for him.
The Best Defense is a Good Offense is one of the most difficult dynamics between spouses to change. First, you have to realize what is going on. Awareness is the key to change. You cannot change what you do not know. If you are always defending yourself and your issues keep getting lost, this dynamic may be going on in your relationship.
When each spouse realizes their part in perpetuating the dynamic and takes responsibility for it, change is possible. Change yourself. Change your HOW. After an initial escalation, spouses usually respond to positive change with positive change, as long as there is goodwill in the relationship.
Couple Dynamics: The Jokester and the Serious One
Scenario:
In courtship, Gerry was always teasing Jenny in an affectionate way. He loved to kibitz around and crack jokes. At home, growing up, when things got tense he learned he could break the tension by joking. In school, being the class clown worked well too, and made him lots of friends. He loved that he could make Jenny laugh. Jenny loved it. It helped her not take herself and life so seriously. She grew up in a family that rarely laughed.
Gerry and Jenny had a lot of fun together and laughter was a big part of their relationship. After they married, when they had problems he would laugh them off. At first, it worked, but it did not solve the problems. Jenny got frustrated because she could not get him to address issues in a serious way. The more he used jokes to divert from addressing problems the more serious Jenny became. The more serious she became the more he tried to lighten things up. The more he tried to lighten things up the more serious and resentful she became. He accused her of not having a sense of humor. She accused him of being a flake. The relationship became in danger of breaking up because they had no way to resolve their differences.
Finally, when Gerry realized that he might lose Jenny he became serious. Although it was difficult for him to hang in with her through the tension and negative feelings, he was able to do it. When Jenny was able to get Gerry to resolve problems she relaxed and lightened up. This helped Gerry. Jenny realized that she could be too serious and she changed how she approached Gerry with a problem. Gerry started to bring problems to Jenny instead of laughing them off. When they learned how to be serious and solve their differences, the fun and laughter returned to their relationship.
The Joking/Serious Theme
As couples do, once living together the partners settle into the dynamics that they are going to play out with each other, often for a lifetime. The first year of living together is about sorting out this dynamic. Every couple develops their own idiosyncratic style.
There is power in the ability to influence people through laughter. People who love to joke are attracted to serious partners. They love to make them laugh. Serious Ones are attracted to Jokers because they brighten them up and make them less serious. Courtship goes well because they complement each other. The Serious One can be playful because they know the Joker has a serious side, demonstrated by the progression of the relationship through to marriage and/or living together. As long as the Joker continues to have a serious side and the Serious One does not get overly serious, the positive interactive cycle between them continues. They can develop their own unique style of resolving issues and problems that is perfect for them.
Be serious occasionally and you will laugh lots.
