communications
Relationship Communication Skills: Put the Inside Outside
Put the Inside Outside is another communication skill that I teach clients in both individual and couples sessions.
When people talk to each other they often think thoughts or have feelings that they do not reveal to others. Most of the time this is perfectly OK. It certainly would not be appropriate to say everything one is thinking or feeling. Yet often, when more information is given there are fewer misunderstandings and a greater connection.
It can be as simple as letting others know you are feeling pressured for time. In a session with a client(s) if I’m running late, I often start to speak faster and may interrupt my clients, especially when working with couples. When I notice myself doing that I will say to clients, “The session is almost over and I’m feeling pressured for time to complete what we’re doing.” This helps them understand what is going on with me and lets them know that I’m not impatient with them. They experience how it feels to be informed and usually want to cooperate. I am also teaching them the skill of Put the Inside Outside by modeling it.
When working with couples I often find that partners do not let each other know what is going on inside of them, positive or negative. They do not give each other feedback. It leaves each partner guessing and hoping that the impact of what they said is what they meant.
Example: In a couples session.
Wife to husband, “I appreciate how you help with the kids when you get home.”
Husband, “Well I always do that.”
Dr. Bea, ” Your wife just told you something that she appreciated about you. What was that like?”
Husband, “What do you mean?”
Dr. Bea, “Well, did you like her telling you that?”
Husband, “Yeah, it felt good.”
Dr. Bea, “Let her know.”
Husband to wife, “It felt good to hear you appreciate what I do.”
Dr. Bea to wife, “What was it like to hear that from him.”
Wife, “It felt really good.”
We all laugh.
Often it is the simple things that people communicate to each other that can make a big difference in their communication and their connection with each other.
With care and concern,
Dr. Bea Mackay
What Everyone Should Know about Anger—Part One
Anger is usually a secondary feeling.
Scenario: James watched as his son, a talented goalie, let in a goal that lost the game. Exasperated he let out a cry of disgust. As James and his son walked away from the hockey rink, James berated him for not trying hard enough. His discouraged son emphatically tried to convince him that he had tried as hard as he could—to no avail. Both felt bad.
Underlying the anger there is another feeling—a vulnerable feeling—that acts like an engine fueling the anger and driving the behavior. Any vulnerable feeling can fuel anger. Some people get angry when they feel hurt. Some people get angry when they feel threatened. Anyone can get angry when they feel out of control. Some people get angry when they feel pressured. Most people get irritable when they are hungry or tired. There are many vulnerable feelings: abandoned, put down, shamed, embarrassed, exposed, challenged, disappointed, hopeless, controlled, rejected, blocked, misunderstood, and more. In James’ case, underneath his anger was disappointed. When his son did well, he felt proud and important, almost as if he’d achieved it himself. He enjoyed the compliments from coaches and other parents. When his son did not do well, he felt like a failure. He hated feeling like a failure so he shifted into anger and got on his son’s case. Vulnerable feelings can range from slight to extreme. No one likes to feel vulnerable so most people behave in ways that attempt to avoid or deflect from the feeling. They may get busy talking about something else; they may focus on a task; they may worry about aches or pains they have or they may get angry. Why get angry? When people shift into anger they stop feeling the vulnerable feeling. It does not go away; it just goes into the background. Feeling angry is better than feeling humiliated, rejected, or some other vulnerable feeling. When people feel angry, they feel powerful, not vulnerable. With anger, it may be possible to change what is going on.
Anger has a purpose.
When people get angry it helps them make happen what they want to happen or to prevent or stop happening what they do not want to happen. James needed his son to do well so that he felt good about himself. He got angry at his son to pressure him into trying harder. Most children feel uncomfortable when their parents are angry so they try to do whatever it is that will stop the anger, whether it is good for them or not. They become more focused on what their parents are feeling than on the activity. That makes it harder for them to do well. What could James do to achieve his goals? First of all, James needs to be aware that he feels disappointed. He probably shifts into anger so quickly that he does not even realize it. Secondly, he needs to realize that his disappointment is about himself, not his son; he is trying to get his needs met vicariously through his son’s efforts and abilities.
Once he is aware, he can…
- Do things in his own life to achieve a sense of accomplishment and importance.
- Give his son positive feedback about what he is doing well so his son stays focused on the sport. Then his son is more likely to enjoy the activity and perform at his best. Result? Both feel good—his son feels good about himself, and James feels good about himself and his parenting. When parents figure out the engine (vulnerable feeling) driving their anger, they have more choices. They may continue to handle situations in the same way or they may find more effective ways, without getting angry, that are positive for everyone concerned.
Explore the feelings underlying your anger. What did you feel just before you got angry?
What is the purpose of your anger? Is there a better way to achieve it than getting angry?
With care and concern,
Dr. Bea
What to Do When Your Partner Doesn’t Listen to Reason
Partners who are both reasonable are likely to get along well. They are not likely to need couples counseling, or if they do, it may be their mutual reasoning that guides them to seek counseling. They collaborate and feel good about each other as a result.
However, there are many couples in which one partner is reasonable and the other is not. I see them in my practice. The reasonable one continues to reason even though reasoning does not work. The unreasonable one continues to do (or not do) what they want. The relationship deteriorates. Intimacy suffers.
But it does not mean that the couple should not be together. It means they need to work differently.
Scenario 1:
Barbara noticed the railing was loose on the balcony of their home. She brought it to the attention of her husband, Drew. He was busy with work and said it was OK. Barbara knew he was busy and gave him some time. She was concerned though that someone could get hurt if the railing gave way. She kept bringing it to his attention, reasoning with him that someone could get hurt and they could be liable. Barbara had to be vigilant that the children and visitors stayed away from the railing. Drew said she was overreacting.
Scenario 2:
Brian kept track of the finances. He noticed that his wife’s spending was exceeding their budget and he complained to her about it. He reasoned with her that if overspending continued, they would get into serious financial difficulties. Cindy heard his words yet continued to overspend, justifying her purchases or hiding them from Brian. He felt out of control about their debt and pulled away from Cindy, spending more time with his family.
Couples tend to do the same thing over and over with each other even though it does not work. If they did the same thing at work they would get seriously reprimanded or even fired. But many couples frustrate each other by playing out the same dynamic repeatedly.
What is the function of unreasonableness? Why would a spouse be unreasonable?
To be reasonable is to be open to change. Unreasonable people do not want to change. By not being open to reason they can continue to do what they want and not do what they do not want to do. Also, being reasonable increases intimacy, which some people have difficulty handling even though they want it.
When reasoning does not work, shift to strategies.
Reasoning is a good way to start out addressing an issue with your partner. If they respond positively, great, you can work through the problem. If they respond in the same old way, then shift to strategies.
Consequences effect change. How to achieve change is to figure out a strategy that has consequences built into it.
Scenario 1:
Without anger and in a matter-of-fact tone Barbara told Brian that she was going to give him until the end of the month to fix the railing. If it was not done by then she was going to hire someone to repair it. When the end of the month came and the railing was still not fixed, Barbara got a couple of estimates to have the railing repaired. She showed the estimates to Drew. She told him she was going to choose one of them and get the railing fixed. When Drew realized that she was serious about getting the railing repaired, he found time to fix it himself. He wanted to do it himself to be sure it was done right. Barbara offered her help and did what she could to make it happen. They had fun doing it together and each was pleased once it was done. They felt warm toward each other.
Scenario 2:
Brian realized that the reasoning with Cindy was having no effect. He consulted with someone at the bank about possible changes he could make. Without anger and in a matter-of-fact manner he told her that he was concerned about their financial situation and because he cared about their relationship, he was going to take steps to bring the finances under control. He gave her a time frame of two months and said if she continued to overspend he would put all of their credit cards in the bank safety deposit box and they would operate with cash only. After two months it was clear that Cindy still was overspending so Brian followed through and put the cards away. This forced Cindy to deal with the reality of the situation. When talking it through, an underlying problem came to light—Cindy was resentful of all the time Brian spent with his family. They then addressed directly the issue of spending time together.
HOW you handle the shift from reasoning to planning and carrying out strategies is critical to making the change successful and relationship-enhancing. If you want to show your spouse who is in control or you want to teach your spouse a lesson, then expect a negative response to even the best strategy you could offer. Resentful spouses tend to sabotage even when they know they will hurt themselves.
If you proceed with goodwill and with the intent to make life for all better, strategies have a very good chance of working. Because your partner knows you’re doing it out of caring for him or her (and the family), they tend to cooperate and collaborate. Intimacy grows.
With Care and Concern,
Dr. Bea
How the Talker and the Quiet One Can Make Changes
Healthy couples have differences that complement each other. The Talker and the Quiet One are attracted to each other. In courtship, this dynamic works as each enjoys the other—a Positive Interactive Cycle.
Often what attracts us to our partner in the first place may be the very thing that we complain about later. The Talkers says it’s like pulling teeth to find out what the Quiet Ones are thinking and feeling. The Quiet Ones complains that the Talkers talk too much and they cannot get a word in edgewise. The Quiet Ones say they are always being interrupted and they cannot finish a thought. The Talkers complain that the Quiet Ones are withholding; they say so little and take too long to say it.
Communication between couples becomes troubled when the dynamic between the couple shifts into a Negative Interactive Cycle. The Talker talks too much and the Quiet One says too little.
How can a couple change this dynamic? First of all, each needs to be willing to take responsibility for their part in the cycle and let go of their partner’s part of the cycle. The only person you can change is yourself, however, you may be able to influence your partner. When you change, usually your partner changes in response to your change. If each one is changing in positive ways it is possible to get back to a Positive Interactive Cycle.
Second, couples need to allow for experimentation; they need to risk trying new things. Then, they keep what works and forgive and let go of what does not work.
Changes the Talker can make: Be more passive and less active.
- The Talker can put a period at the end of a sentence and wait for a response.
- Be more patient and comfortable with silence. Do not view your partner’s silence as an invitation to talk more.
- Do not interrupt or talk over your partner. When your partner does talk, try reflecting back to them what they are saying. This encourages your partner to say more because they know you are paying attention to their feelings and their point of view.
- Say it once (or at the most twice). Repeating the same thing in many different ways because you think your partner does not understand is counter-productive. Trust that your partner understands or that they will ask if they don’t.
- In a warm matter-of-fact tone let your partner know you are waiting for a response rather than start talking again when your partner has not responded yet. You could try the communication skill: Put the Inside Outside by saying, “I’m tempted to start talking again but I’m going to wait for your response.”
Changes the Silent One can make: Be more active and less passive.
- Talk sooner. That is, do not take so long to respond. Your partner tends to view your silence as a non-verbal invitation to talk more. Even if you do not know what to say you can start with words like ‘um’, ‘Let me think for a moment’, or I’m not sure what to say yet’.
- Interrupt the Talker using gestures or words; for example, politely hold up your hand. Many Quiet Ones say they never get a chance to talk. What they need to realize is that the Talker is often talking because they are uncomfortable with silence or they are trying to help the Quiet One talk. Many Talkers welcome the Silent One talking because it is a relief for them to stop talking.
- Reflective Listen. Reflecting back to your partner their point of view and how they feel about it is a way to let your partner know you have understood. When your partner is repeating the same thing in different ways it does not mean they are being condescending, it usually means they want you to understand. Reflective Listening lets them know you got their point and are engaged with them in the conversation.
- Create the conditions that help make talking easier for you. Approach your partner to talk and ask him or her to listen for a while without interrupting. Choose a time and place that is comfortable for you. Always waiting for your partner to bring up issues causes problems in the relationship. Use the Communication Skill: After the Fact.
- Share more about yourself. Let your partner know what makes you happy. If you do, your partner will more likely make those things happen. Let your partner know what troubles you. If you don’t, things will build up and you may blindside your partner with a blow-up over a small incident. If you’re not objecting, your partner may believe that what they are doing is OK. This creates resentment for each of you.
With good will and practice the Talker and the Quiet One can get back to a Positive Interactive Cycle.
With care and concern,
Dr. Bea
